Ah, they don’t make them like that no more etc. Casablanca is one of those films everyone claims is in the Top 10 of all time, although most people watching it these days would probably switch it off in disgust after 10 minutes: no explosions, half-naked men or women, profanity, or car chases. Rubbish!

The 1942 film starred Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, with the former starring as Rick Blaine (unrelated to David Blaine). During the course of the tumultuous narrative, Blaine calls Bergman a “kid” and then there’s a lot of fog and the film ends. We guess all that smog/fog made it difficult to remember his lines, so what if Bogart had chosen a different route?

Here’s looking at you, kid

Here’s the oft-quoted original. We guess it kind of means “cheers!” or “bon!” or whatever. I dunno, if you said that to anyone these days they’d know you’re quoting Casablanca… unless they’ve not seen the film. Then they’ll simply dismiss you as a pervert and call the cops.

Here’s speaking gobbledygook with you, kid

Yeah, a lot of talk from the 1940s does sound like gobbledygook these days, such as the ridiculously stupid word gobbledygook.

Here’s reading an instruction manual with you, kid

Not the most fun activity, but if that’s what you want to do, Humphrey Bogart, that’s what we’ll do.

Here’s looking you up in a telephone book, kid

Yeah, well that’s just creepy behaviour, mate. Just stalk her on Facebook like everyone else does.

Here’s teaching you how to undercook, kid

Chicken, presumably, so she can poison Viktor should he turn out to be a bit of a scoundrel. Well, why not? Then you can reheat it and eat the murder weapon.

Here’s looking at you, Sid

Rick Blaine is pretty detached and laconic throughout the movie, we guess he probably didn’t even know Bergman’s character’s name.

Here’s looking at you, squid

Or he was on drugs and hallucinating about squid, which has happened to plenty of people.

Here’s looking at you, giant squid

It really depends on how many drugs he’d taken, the size of the squid can vary.

Here’s looking at my successful buyout bid

Or he was thinking about his business ventures and didn’t want a woman in the way of his global enterprise.

Here’s looking at your counterbid, kid

Of course, Bergman might have hatched a plan to steal those ventures away from Bogart, but old Bogey is always one step ahead.

Here’s looking out at you from my third eyelid

If Rick Blaine had had three eyes in Casablanca, it would have been a more interesting, sci-fi type movie.

Here’s to reading a comic book with you, kid

This is the point Bergman realises Bogart is a man-boy who still reads comics. Get on the plane and leg it, love.

Here’s looking at yews, kid

Maybe Blaine has an infatuation with yew trees, which is why he’s keen to get rid of Bergman?

Here’s using a grappling hook on you, kid

Unless he really did want to keep her around, at which point that grappling hook would be useful to keep her in close quarters.

Here’s my crochet hook, kid

Or he’s a crushing bore who enjoys crochet like the upper-class toff he probably is. He could have even given her demonstrations on that airport. Freak!

Here’s spooking at you, kid

If it had been Halloween he could have dropped this in as a, sort of, lame dad joke type thing. Why not?

Here’s moping after you, kid

After Bergman is gone, you have to presume Rick Blaine spent the rest of his life as a morose git mulling over the loss of his love.

And Finally…

Laterz, biatch!

If they remake the film with Chris Hemsworth and Megan Fox, Hemsworth has to drop that humdinger of a line. Oh yeah! Aiiiiie.