Ingredients are useful to make recipes, but what happens if you’re living on a gradient? Seriously, like, how do people on Mount Everest cook stuff? After a hard day of thawing out your frozen limbs and returning to base camp 1, it must be tough to cook up a roast dinner on a steep incline. How positively barbaric – those poor super rich toffs who are busy scaling the thing, they didn’t pointlessly spend $40,000 to not have steamed sprouts and gravy for dinner!

This is why we’ve invented ingradients, which have been meticulously chosen based on the gradient of their exterior. Indeed, the steeper the incline (such as with bananas) the better! As a result, for £10,000 ($12,000) you can turn to Professional Moron for your Mount Everest expedition. Simply forward us the cash and our expert team will hit the local Tesco to scoop deals of the day with ingradients which are tilted to exact specifications for your cooking pleasure.

Ingradients: A Mountaineer’s Dream

No matter if you’re hanging upside down after falling over a vertical drop, trapped under a recently rampaging avalanche, or partially crushed under a boulder, with ingradients you’ll be able to overcome the searing panic induced by near certain death thanks to chowing down on foodstuffs such as: bananas, toast, Toblerone bars, okra, celery, pizza (in those triangular cuts), corn on the cob, and 2 litre bottles of budget fizzy drinks.

You’ll find these specifically chosen products are pointed at an angle which makes consuming them all the easier. No more going to open your mouth and inadvertently plunging to your doom off one of Mount Everest’s numerous hazards. Thanks to our patented food selection service, we’ll get you ship shape before you can say: “Oh my God, it’s an unstoppable blizzard and we’re all going to die!”.

With ingradients, you can rest assured your Mount Everest trip, whilst probably costing you an arm and a leg due to frostbite, will be spent with delicious budget foodstuffs. We’ll even throw in a free bottle of shaving cream so the men on the mission won’t arrive back looking like Hipsters.

Bananas

Obviously, bananas are a particularly well-suited ingradient due to the steep incline and curvature of its banana-ness. For your £10,000, you’ll get approximately 10 of those – fair trade and organic, so don’t you worry your socks off! All is in good environmentally friendly order.

You’ll also receive a cutting-edge pressure cooker which belches out think plumes of unsightly, choking pollution in order to ensure you can cook any of the products you need to. Don’t worry! You don’t have to lug it all the way back. Simply dump it on the mountain like the rich dumbass you are and hopefully, in 10 years, there’ll be enough on the mountain to ensure all future avalanches are blocked by an army of pressure cookers. I say, old chap!