Continuing on with our questionable inventions, today we have the flame mower. Okay – it’s a flamethrower, but also a lawn mower. What could be better? Get rid of those insanely dangerous lawn mowers and their insanely dangerous blades of death and choose life – the flames of life, that is!

Yes, it’s your standard lawn mower but (instead of those obnoxious blades slicing up the grass millimetres away from your feet) with a flamethrower attached to the front. We’ve upped the engine on the mower as well, meaning you can get up to a steady 30mph whilst blazing your way forward. It’s terrific fun!

The Flame Mower

Mr. Wapojif test ran this contraption at Manchester’s enormous Heaton Park just yesterday. To considerable consternation, it must be added (although our esteemed editor misguidedly mistook the screams of unbridled terror to be excitement). Tearing through the park incinerating all before him, the Professional Moron staff agreed he mowed the lawn well.

Of course, the local council (and, indeed, the local law enforcement) didn’t agree and there was a bit of a barny involving Mr. Wapojif and several coppers. After some consideration, we realised the sight of a half-naked Mr. Wapojif blitzing along with flames blasting forth from a vehicle may be considered somewhat anti-social. The result is, we have made the wearing of clothes on the flame mower mandatory.

Whilst we appreciate this may offend nudists and those who don’t like political correctness, it will also stop you from getting arrested. Additionally, we advise you wear a helmet on your bounce and don’t drink from open whiskey bottles as you drive (due to the anti-drink driving laws in most civilized nations).

Mow the Lawn

With a cheery dip of your head and a casual wave as your neighbours stare on in horror, you too can straddle your flame mower and set forth onto your lawn with destructive gusto! For a mere £5,000 ($7,000), you’ll banish those grass extensions and leave your lawn a sindered mess of charred filth and mud.

Be the envy of your entire neighbourhood as robbers pass on your house as it looks too much like a cesspit from Hell! Kick back in your home and relax in the festering knowledge you won’t be bothered by any nutcases. Indeed, you are the nutcase! Revel in this newfound sense of social stature.

You’ll clock up a fair few legal warnings, of course, but rest assured – with a lawyer in tow, you’re all set to ensure you don’t spend too long in the nick! Yes, a few days at the most and then you’ll be set loose into the wild where you’ll be free to singe your way to lawn mower based glory!