Great TV Shows That Never Were: Who Wants to Be a Minger?

Who Wants to Be a Minger
Hey babe. Would you like to go for a cup of coffee?

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? is a popular quiz show where contestants can try and win a million quid by answering stupid questions. These days, of course, a million quid will just about pay off your university fees, but it’s not really going to set you up for life. So! The show needs shaking up a bit which is why, in this looks-obsessed society of ours, we’ve created the PC friendly spin-off Who Wants to Be a Minger?.

A minger, if you’re wondering, is someone who is unattractive or unpleasant. Now, few people are genuinely unattractive (you have to be very unfortunate in life to be so), and fewer still go out of their way to be as ugly or unpleasant as humanly possible. This TV show, however, hosted by Sylvester Stallone, would push the boundaries of light entertainment acceptability in its quest to take everyday lovely people and turn them into physical and mental monstrosities.

Who Wants to Be a Minger?

It would be set up in the same format as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. Contestants would be there in the studio and get their chance to go centre stage with Stallone to turn themselves into grotesque pustules of putrescence. Fun!

First off, Stallone would break them psychologically by making them read through modern far right propaganda and sitting through endless repeats of vile British TV show Hollyoaks. After this the show would be postponed for six months; the contestant would be forced to gain weight by sitting about eating donuts and litres of melted ice cream, before returning as a morbidly obese version of themselves in a pair of badly disintegrated skinny jeans.

The audience is then encouraged, in order to satisfy deep-seated personal insecurities, to mock and jeer at the returning guest until the individual suffers a nervous breakdown live on air. For their troubles, the contestant is then handed £500 and a coupon for a reputable liposuction company.

Public Outcry

The bit we mentioned earlier, about it being PC friendly, well we were referring to how you can watch it on your PC with no problems. In terms of political correctness, though, things are a tad… different. Loony lefties would be up in arms about this one, decrying the show as “insensitive”, “vile”, “sexist”, “stupid”, and “boring”. Indeed, for the latter, the six month delay would be a touch tedious, but then have you never heard of the saying: “good things come to those who wait”? Huh?

Despite this, anyone with a nasty streak would bloody love the show – whether they’d be happy to admit it or not! A massive hit, it would go on to destroy many lives of the dimwitted contestants foolhardy enough to have a go, whilst providing exceptional light entertainment for a society up to its neck in a tacit lust for blood and guts.

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