The British government has outlawed, on pain of death, bobble hats ahead of summer 2017 for fears the hats may make people hot and sweaty during the warmer months. The news broke this morning and bobble hat making companies expressed frustration at the development. Roger McRoger, Managing Director of Bobble Hats R Us, said: “What in the name of crap bags are they doing? If I want to wear a bobble hat in a heatwave, I bloody well will!”.
Right wingers have reacted with typical fury and began complaining almost immediately, although some were delayed as they rattled off their latest ire about immigration. Far right enthusiasts the EDL (English Defence League) staged a protest in central London, with hundreds of portly, skinhead men parading around in fetching bobble hats. Although clearly sweating profusely in the 30 degree heat, the EDL denied they were in any way uncomfortable. “I love this, me!” said one individual as sweat poured down his repulsive, bloated face.
The British government has been accused of being a nanny state, overly liberal, and “dumb”, even though the Conservative party has a right wing political agenda this, evidently, is not enough for right wingers. Particularly damning of the nanny state verdict is the realisation most nannies will make children wear bobble hats so they don’t catch a cold. Now the government is doing the opposite to ensure no one catches whatever the opposite of a cold is (scurvy?), it appears the rights of British citizens have once again been curtailed.
“I’m bloody angry and furious!” said Roger McRoger in a candid, exclusive interview with Professional Moron. He said to us:
"Never in me life have I been told to not do something... except when I were at schoo' and there were a strict dress code. Oh, and me mother were always discplining me as well. Plus me wife is always bossing me about. Bitch. And me kids are a ****ing nightmare! But other than that, I've never been bossed about, me! Now the government wants to take away the rights of the British public! By denying the British public the right to wear a bobble hat in stifling heat, the British government is saying "F*** you, British citizens!" to the British citizens I just mentioned. This will not stand, not with me, not with you, and not with Jesus Christ God almighty!"
It’s known the EDL and other far right parties, including UKIP, will be joining forces until September 22nd (when autumn arrives) to ensure the rights of bobble hats and bobble hat wearers aren’t removed. In what has been called the Bloody Bobble Hat Barmy Army, all Brits are encouraged to wear a bobble hat as a two-fingered salute to the overbearing, totalitarian, fascistic, right wing Tory government many of them just voted for in the general election.
May The Bobble Hats Be With You
Beleaguered Prime Minister Theresa May may, or may not, back down from the law she passed (known as the Anti-Bobble Hat Bill 2017), although it is believed she has condoned the execution of anyone who dares to wear a bobble hat between now and 22nd September 2017. The method of execution is believed to be hanging, drawing, and quartering.
It’s not known why Prime Minister May despises bobble hats so, but from a memo which has allegedly been leaked from 10 Downing Street, her message regarding the situation has been rather straightforward to decipher:
"Death to the bobble hats!"
The veracity of this comment is unknown, although we tried to verify the veracity through various vacuous vouchers of the parliamentary cause. As such, it is clear Brits will suffer a bobble hat free summer, but rest assured you’ll be able to wear your Reni hat with pride.