Breaking News: Bobble Hats Outlawed For Summer – Bobble Hat Enthusiasts Outraged

Bobble hats banned in the UK
Bobble hats are only suitable for sub-zero temperatures.

The British government has outlawed, on pain of death, bobble hats ahead of summer 2017 for fears the hats may make people hot and sweaty during the warmer months. The news broke this morning and bobble hat making companies expressed frustration at the development. Roger McRoger, Managing Director of Bobble Hats R Us, said: “What in the name of crap bags are they doing? If I want to wear a bobble hat in a heatwave, I bloody well will!”.

Right wingers have reacted with typical fury and began complaining almost immediately, although some were delayed as they rattled off their latest ire about immigration. Far right enthusiasts the EDL (English Defence League) staged a protest in central London, with hundreds of portly, skinhead men parading around in fetching bobble hats. Although clearly sweating profusely in the 30 degree heat, the EDL denied they were in any way uncomfortable. “I love this, me!” said one individual as sweat poured down his repulsive, bloated face.

Nanny State

The British government has been accused of being a nanny state, overly liberal, and “dumb”, even though the Conservative party has a right wing political agenda this, evidently, is not enough for right wingers. Particularly damning of the nanny state verdict is the realisation most nannies will make children wear bobble hats so they don’t catch a cold. Now the government is doing the opposite to ensure no one catches whatever the opposite of a cold is (scurvy?), it appears the rights of British citizens have once again been curtailed.

“I’m bloody angry and furious!” said Roger McRoger in a candid, exclusive interview with Professional Moron. He said to us:

"Never in me life have I been told to not do something... except when I were at schoo' and there were a strict dress code. Oh, and me mother were always discplining me as well. Plus me wife is always bossing me about. Bitch. And me kids are a ****ing nightmare! But other than that, I've never been bossed about, me! Now the government wants to take away the rights of the British public! By denying the British public the right to wear a bobble hat in stifling heat, the British government is saying "F*** you, British citizens!" to the British citizens I just mentioned. This will not stand, not with me, not with you, and not with Jesus Christ God almighty!"

It’s known the EDL and other far right parties, including UKIP, will be joining forces until September 22nd (when autumn arrives) to ensure the rights of bobble hats and bobble hat wearers aren’t removed. In what has been called the Bloody Bobble Hat Barmy Army, all Brits are encouraged to wear a bobble hat as a two-fingered salute to the overbearing, totalitarian, fascistic, right wing Tory government many of them just voted for in the general election.

May The Bobble Hats Be With You

Beleaguered Prime Minister Theresa May may, or may not, back down from the law she passed (known as the Anti-Bobble Hat Bill 2017), although it is believed she has condoned the execution of anyone who dares to wear a bobble hat between now and 22nd September 2017. The method of execution is believed to be hanging, drawing, and quartering.

It’s not known why Prime Minister May despises bobble hats so, but from a memo which has allegedly been leaked from 10 Downing Street, her message regarding the situation has been rather straightforward to decipher:

"Death to the bobble hats!"

The veracity of this comment is unknown, although we tried to verify the veracity through various vacuous vouchers of the parliamentary cause. As such, it is clear Brits will suffer a bobble hat free summer, but rest assured you’ll be able to wear your Reni hat with pride.

11 comments

  1. It must be a huge burden to be responsible for protecting the public from such harm. I’m glad she is not stressing herself out with world affairs. Perhaps she has taken the lead from Trump as to priorities. 🙂

    Like

  2. Yes, I’m almost certain scurvy is the opposite of a cold!
    Here’s the logic. When you have a cold you are supposed to drink hot citrus with honey. Many use lemons, but I prefer a hot lime and honey. Both work the same.
    When you have scurvy, it is because you didn’t eat enough limes… or lemons. Point made.
    To bad about the whole Bobble Hat fire storm! However, with mr. trump threatening N. Korea, the whole thing could be moot soon.
    Excellent article!

    Like

    • The Guardian newspaper here ran an article, a full feature article, about whether men should be allowed to wear bobble hats. It’s because Bradley Cooper had been seen out and about in them. I say – yes! Yes, it’s socially acceptable.

      Bobble hats will never be moot, madam!

      Good scurvy logic! I can dig that. Having never had scurvy, I can’t claim to know the answer to this one. Lemon and honey drink is marvellous. Plus it stops the scurvy.

      Like

  3. Because its so goddamn cold all the time here in Boston, when I was younger, making the transition from the colder months to summer months, I used to half fold up my winter hat…like a complete and total weirdo. Still boggles my mind today. Just bananas. That being said, awesome stuff

    Liked by 1 person

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