Surreptitiously adding “poo” into legal terms makes the law fun – this is a fact. Yes, today’s post may be rather immature, but since when did you ever dictate to us what we’re allowed to write? Exactly, poohead, we set our content schedule and we can, in accordance, do as we please. This is a democracy we live in, not some deranged totalitarian state run by pigs.
Still, the law is a complex and confusing thing. Most people, quite rightly, don’t busy themselves getting to grips with all that overly complicated mass of legalese and “Objection your honour!” stuff. Indeed, most of us can’t even be bothered to read Terms & Conditions regulations before agreeing to them. How does one make the law fun, then? Easy – simplify it with poo!
Burden of Poo
This is crucial to any legal defense – the burden of poo is one Hell of a burden.
Clerk of Court Poo
These people clear up any stray effluence which is left in court.
Got some sworn evidence to provide? If it’s related to excrement, then you’ll have to have some of it handy.
Dismissal Without Poo
Poo isn’t always essential in court, of course, and can be dismissed at any moment should the smell become overwhelming.
Poo isn’t usually used as income, but it is dispoosable on certain occasions.
Federal Poo Defender
This individual’s job is to stand guard in court with a double barrelled shotgun. In the event of poo-based scuffles, the Federal Poo Defender will sort that shit out.
This is Latin – it means a convict must apply for a writ in order to bring his poo into court.
Impoochment is a serious crime about serious grime. If you’ve done something wrong in the court toilets, then you’ll be charged with a formal wrongdoing. You bad SOB.
In Forma Pooperis
This term is used in court to make the speaker sound intelligent. No one really knows what it means.
Do you have evidence about poo? This term is for you!
Like parole, but instead of being released from jail you get some toilet roll. Oh well, there’s one positive.
This is like a petition but it’s got a lot more effluence involved. Nice, if you can stomach it.
If you’re charged with a poo offense then, nine times out of nine, you will be going to jail.
Like probation, but if you’re on poobation you’re allowed to use the fancy court toilets. This is typically reserved for the judge and his wig.
This individual oversees all of the poo. It is not the nicest job in the world.
Poo of Claim
If you need to make a claim, there has to be poo. If you do not provide poo, you will be in contempt of court.
Standard of Poo
The standard of poo must be very high, otherwise your case will be thrown out of court.
Like a subpoena, but effluence heavy. The subpoo is only used when all other rational arguments have been debated. At this point, the judge will roll out a bowl of poo and everyone in the court will stare at it.
Tempoorary Restraint Order
Under certain conditions, court attendees may be restrained in poo. This is a last resort (i.e. if there are no handcuffs left).
The Shawshank Redempootion
This is an award-winning film about a man who crawls through a river of poo to find his freedom. Aside from the smell (cinemas pumped the smell of poo into the threatres to provide customers with a realistic experience), it was a most moving film.