With Christmas on the way, you’ll want to start gaining weight right now in anticipation of the overindulgence ahead of you. This is why we here at Professional Moron have been hard at work crafting a perfect weight gaining recipe. Not satisfied with causing vehicles to lurch downwards aggressively upon seating? Get professional about weight gain and do it as God intended.
Smoothies are a superb way to slide a large amount of ingredients down your gullet without really knowing what’s going on. Think about it – if you sit there trying to eat ice cream, butter, and crisps simultaneously, first up you’d be dropping the crisps due to butterfingers, whilst the ice cream would freeze the crisps you do consume solid in your throat, killing you hideously due to asphyxiation. Alleviate this potential outcome with our latest recipe – you know you want to.
Ice Cream, Butter, and Crisps Smoothie
The key to a great smoothie is a blender which doesn’t need a key, so then you don’t lose the key and, consequently, get stuck opening the blender. Thusly, with a key-less blender, you’re provided with the chance to create such genius recipes as this one.
There’s comfort food and then there’s comfort food, this recipe is both of these, even though those things are the same. If that sentence was confusing, let us simplify (and liquify) things: you get the ice cream, butter, and crisps. You stuff them all into a blender. You add a pint of full fat cream. You add a bag of sugar. You blend at maximum blend for one hour.
Pour the results into a tub of some sort (we prefer tipping it into a plastic bag and then adding a really big straw. We’re environmental, you see, so want to see plastic bags being used in a really positive way. Yeah? You hear? Recycle those damn things (but not until you’ve consumed your lovely smoothie!).
After drinking the concoction, your body will go through some reactions which may be unusual to you. First up, the sugar overload will ensure your entire system has a, sort of, “WTF?” type thing going on. You may barf (try not to, that’s gross), you’ll also suffer severe dizzy spells and chronic squinting. During this time, remain seated and try to resist the urge to bellow Titanic hit single My Heart Will Go On at full volume.
As you begin to shiver uncontrollably and dribble a little bit, try not to panic. Instead, focus on the brilliance you have just achieved – you have inserted 10,000 calories into your body and, committing yourself to this every day, will ensure you gain weight at a terribly unhealthy rate. Whatever. We can dig that.