E.T. is a film from 1982 (and a terrible Atari game, too) which is one of Steven Spielberg’s most famous of all films. In it, E.T. lands on Earth, realises it’s rubbish because of all the humans, and decides he wants to return to his home planet (Jupiter, presumably).

He strikes up a friendship with a non-rubbish human called Elliot along the way, but even that one is not worth hanging around for.

It’s one of those childhood films you watch in your childhood and remember ever so fondly, even if (like us) you probably haven’t watched it in over 20 years. That bit where E.T. is in the water and all pallid – can’t be dealing with that, sorry. Hell, you phone home, E.T. and get the Hell out of here! But… what if E.T. had wanted to phone someone else?

E.T. phone home

The original in all its home phoning glory. It’s one of the most famous movie quotes ever. What more can we add? Well, we just hope E.T.’s intergalactic roaming charges are at a decent rate. Sheesh, you just go to Spain from England and you’ll be forking out £1,000 for a minute long phone call.

Eat tea, phone home

We do hope E.T. had a hearty meal before heading off back home. A comment such as this would have triggered off the meal nicely.

E.T. thrown home

Okay, this would be morally incorrect and, also, a physical impossibility. You can’t pick up something and throw it out of the Earth’s atmosphere back to its home planet. That would be useful, but not possible. Impossible, in fact.

E.T. sown home

Similarly, it’s not possible to sow your way from Earth to Jupiter. It’d take way too much wool, for a start, and people would get cramp and then get killed by Jupiter’s radiation. So, no. Not going to happen, E.T., you stupid little git.

E.T. phone gnome

Well that’s sweet, we presume E.T. has a gnome friend he wants to phone. He… he does realise these things aren’t alive, doesn’t he? Well!?

E.T. phone Chrome

Google Chrome? Why? I generally the browser to be pretty nifty and it is the Professional Moron browser of choice.

E.T. likes foam

Good for E.T. but, really, what does an alien need with foam? Is this some despicable plan to wipe out humanity with foam?! You can’t trust them aliens, man.

E.T.’s cologne

Imagine if it had all turned out E.T. was a travelling salesman from a distant planet just trying to foist his dodgy cologne onto unsuspecting alien species. The bastard.

E.T. cloned home

Watching E.T. you really have to wonder why E.T. wasn’t just cloned, then Elliot could have kept a copy and the real E.T. could have gone home. A simple solution for everyone.

E.T. bone home

Bloody pervert.

E.T. blown home

Well, a nuclear explosion could be strong enough to eject him off the planet but, really, there’d be no way to direct him back to Jupiter from there. So, specious reasoning with this one, we’re afraid.

E.T. rhyme zone

Jesus, don’t start rapping, E.T. that’s the last bloody thing we need.

E.T. destroy ozone

We knew it, that little bastard is here to slaughter us all! Get him out of here right now!

E.T. hormonal

Oh, okay, that’ll explain the wild mood swings during the film, then.

E.T. capital of Sierra Leone

No, E.T. you are not the capital of anywhere. Fool.

E.T. full of testosterone

That’s enough, E.T., we don’t need to hear about your species’ bizarre preferences with all that.

And finally…

E.T. phone Rome

Why exactly was E.T. looking to live Earth, anyway? Had he/she visited the best bits? A trip to Rome could have convinced him to stay, you know. What’s with this need to leg it out of here? See the best of what humanity has to offer, dude. Here, listen to this rap album from 50 Cent. What do you think, E.T.? OMG, he’s dead!