Money is all that matters. So, it’s important to remember you have a credit score that shows off you have money and are not, essentially, a smelly tramp called Mr. (or Mrs.) Trampy. Tramps just didn’t look after their credit, you see, so we’ve realised there’s a tangible gap in the market to ensure no one ever has a bad credit score ever again.

It’s called the credit sore. What you do, right, is turn up at the Professional Moron office in Manchester and our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, will (for £300 – that’s $600, Americans and Canadians) jab at you wildly with a blunt instrument in order to inflict a superficial wound. You must then go for a naked swim in one of Manchester’s putrid… sorry, delightfully clean and salubrious canals. “Erm… why?” – be patient, dammit, we’re getting to that!

Credit Sore

You’ll be illegally fitted with a tracking device whilst at the Professional Moron office (that blunt instrument we mentioned – it’ll be entering you through that) which will, after you’re infected following your dip into a heavily polluted Manchester waterway, becoming increasingly gangrenous. Hence – “sore”.

However, thanks to our sophisticated tracking device (which is held together by super glue, bleach, Semtex, and asbestos), your body will react to your credit rating taking a bit of a dip, or a bit of a rise. To put it simply, if you plunge off a cliff due to longstanding gambling issues, then your body will resemble that bit in Dante’s Peak where those two people got it in that boiling small pond thing.

Most credit rating reactions are incremental, insular, and probably nothing to worry about. Just keep an eye on your credit sore, as if it begins to fester uncontrollably then you may wish to seek immediate financial assistance. Whilst dialing for that, you may also want to call for an ambulance, especially if your sore begins to sprout demonic forms the likes of which Hell would be embarrassed.

“Jesus, what did you make me sign up to?!”

First off, just shut up, yeah? You have the capacity for free will. We may have said “Sign up for the credit sore and you’ll receive £100,000”, but we put in the disclaimer this is a bold faced lie. Now, do you want to acknowledge you’re a non-disclaimer reading moron, or do you want to ignore the spurious claim we made?

Anyway, over time, as your credit score dips and dives, your credit sore will also change. You may find yourself resembling a normal human being, or you could end up looking like those guys from near that bit from the start of Star Wars where they’re all smouldering. Yeah. So, sign up to credit sore and you’ll be sore, but only if you’re a freeloading maniac!