Exclusive Invention: Towls (towels for owls)

Got the hat? Got the scarf? Now it’s time to get the towl!

Owls don’t really have many inventions made just for them, so we decided to hit a market bereft of ideas in order to capitalise on this ignorance. Thusly, we’ve come up with the product every single owl on this here planet will just have to own: the towl. That’s right, it’s a towel made for an owl. That’s about as perfect as it can get, non?

Well, certainly for owls it will, who for millennia have had to do with towels and, by Jove, we bet they’re a bit cold and damp as a result of this oversight. The towls are handmade at the Professional Moron office, are 20cm by 20cm, and are so adorable we’ve just had to slap on a generous price tag of $300 per towel. Big business is a hoot!


Okay, so, obviously, owls don’t really have the time or place for this sort of stuff, so what we’re really doing here is erecting (if that’s the right word) the towls from 20cm by 20cm into human size (whatever that is – we went for 20ft by 20ft, to be on the safe side) and we’ve dumped a load of super cute owls onto the marketing material in order to boost sales.

Just imagine five year old daughter Jane staggering around drunk (perhaps not the drunk bit) a supermarket when, WHAMMO! There she sees the towl with adorable, super cute, lovely owls adorning the whole thing! ZOMG, it’s “MUMMY! MUMMY! MOMMY (for our American readers)! LOOKIT! IT’S A ****ING TOWEL OWL!”.

Well, mother of Jane would be all, “WHAT IN THE NAME OF **** IS THAT LANGUAGE, JANE!? WHERE DID YOU PICK THAT SHIT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH?!” and then there’d be a big old scene in the supermarket with much crying and, we should imagine, a punch or two thrown. Right on!

Anyway, we’re not sure if this would lead to any towl purchases. More than likely it’d just be a load of tinnitus inducing screaming and then Jane would be dragged from the store. 20 years hence, she’d fondly remember her intemperate belligerence and have a good old laugh about it with her mother who, drunk on cider, would throw a punch just for nostalgic reasons.

Erm… Owls?

Owls? Who said anything about owls!? Oh, yeah… the whole towl thing. Well, we mean… who in the name of crap bags is going to buy anything for an owl? Who even has a pet owl? Owls hang around various tree-laden places hooting and swooping about the place. Throwing a towl up at them isn’t going to change anything – they’re certainly not going to pay for it.

The trick to sound business acumen, darlings, is to think outside the box (or, in this case, think outside the owl) and target vacuous humans into spending their cash on stuff they don’t need. This reminds us, don’t forget to check out our post about central hooting, which has almost nothing to do with owls, but plenty to do with giving us cash!


  1. I actually knew someone who had an entire rec room filled with stuffed birds. (Uch) Anyway, they had many owls and ducks. Perhaps this is your target client? I’m sure the owls would share with the ducks. After all, they must have baths, as they wold gather a lot of dust just perching in one spot, forever.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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