As we all know, bouncers are tough nuts who don’t take no crap from no one. They have total control over any property they bounce and will refuse to let you into a raving disco if they so much as don’t like the smell of you. Bouncers are prone to bouts of obstinacy, extreme violence, morose behaviour, and are generally a total pain in the buttocks (although, it has to be said, a necessity due to the drunken stupidity of others).
It’s blatantly obvious they need cheering up a bit. This is why we’ve invented bouncer castles, which are bouncy castles for bouncers. The idea here is to have a bouncy castle on sight of a pub/bar/club so the bouncer, when in a fit of belligerent depression, realises he (probably not she) wants to get a bit giddy. So, do you own a drinking establishment? Do your bouncers need cheering up? Then it’s time to bounce!
These things function as normal bouncy castles do, they just come with a few perks for world weary bouncers. Let’s face it, your average bouncer on a shift has to stand there looking stern (like he’s guarding Buckingham Palace, or something), eye up half drunk people, and decide if any of them are likely to throw a punch at one of the barmaids. No wonder these people are so jaded.
Hiring a bouncer castle is easy – simply ring up Professional Moron’s dedicated Bouncer Castle Hotline (open 24/7, 365) and we’ll be able to rush a bouncer castle to you within the space of an hour (so long as you live in the Greater Manchester area)! We’ll even set it up for you! All it will cost you is £500 for 24 hours, or £1,000 for ONE WEEK of fun-filled bouncer castle mayhem!
You can stick it out back, tucked away, or off to one side by the “orderly” queue outside your establishment. The problem with the latter is drunken revellers will also wish to indulge in bouncy castle time. To solve this issue, simply hire a bouncer castle bouncer to stand guard of the bouncer castle, whilst your bouncers on a break take a well deserved bounce. They’ll aggressively block any drunk students from getting “stuck in” and what have you.
If this seems overly complicated, trust us – it isn’t. The bouncer castle has been invented for fun. Bouncers simply have to take their shoes off, ditch their sombre exterior, and then indulge in bouncing time. It’s estimated a mere 10 minutes of bouncing is enough to ensure your average bouncer will exclaim “**** me, that were ****in’ great!” after their session. They will then return to work in order to ruff people up a bit.
Some say the sound of children laughing gives them the joy of life. We say watching burly, overweight, bald bouncers in bomber jackets gleefully soaring through the air is what makes us weep with joy. Their gleeful giggling is a joy to behold! Just be sure they sign a legal disclaimer before clambering on the contraption, in case they fall off and smash their skull on the concrete pavements.
As an FYI, we offer themed bouncer castles to get your bouncers into a joyous mood. There’s a “Fit Birds” model which comes with pictures of scantily clad babes sellotaped to the sides of the castle (“phwoar!” etc.). Additionally, we have a “Meat & Potato Pie” model which offers a complimentary pie for the bouncers to eat as they frolic gaily.
Our favourite is the “Bomber Jacket Castle”, which is a bouncy castle stylised like a giant black bomber jacket. This will ensure your bouncers feel right at home, as realistic puddles of vomit within create a lifelike bouncer experience. NB: As the bouncers bounce, this puke will go flying through the air. Enjoy!