One of the greatest insults in human history is to tell someone to “shut up”. This can be expanded upon with variations such as “Shut your face!” etc. But the traditional “shut up” works on so many levels and is pretty much perfect. Why would you change perfect? You don’t. So you stick it into a bunch of film titles and ruin them forever more. Hooray!

Jurassic Park: Shut Up

Those dinosaurs are annoyingly bloody loud, right? There’s no need for all that endless roaring and bellowing. Cripes, no wonder they all want extinct, they probably deafened themselves! Anyway, in this film Chris is a Pratt and Ron Howard’s daughter go on a mission to teach dinosaurs to be more respectful of their neighbours. Nice.

The Shut Up Games: Catching Fire

Jennifer Lawrence stars as a woman who just needs to shut the hell up in order to win a game. Doesn’t being unbelievably gobby, she does it. Triumph!

The Dark Knight Shuts Up

Christian Bale is a bit gruff voiced in those Batman films. It’s kind of annoying. Christopher Nolan’s latest version of the film, set for a 2019 release, stars Bale as a much quieter Batman. Nice.

Shut Up Squad

Terrible superhero film starring a bald Will Smith determined to shut everybody up. Brilliant.

Shut Up Club

There’s only one rule in Shut Up Club – you shut up. Consequently, this is the quietest club in the world.

Shut Up Private Ryan

Tom Hanks and company get fed up of Matt Damon talking all the time. Thusly, they keep telling him to shut up. This three hour Spielberg epic drags a bit.

Shut Up Now

Vietnam epic that aims to take all the noisy explosions out of the Vietnam war. How? By taking a boat trip up river to meet a slightly out of it Marlon Brando. Good going.

Shut Up Window

Hollywood classic about a man desperately trying to open a shut window. A masterclass in minimalist directing, the sounds of a man grunting and straining at a difficult window had cinema-goers on the edge of their sears.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Shut Up

Peter Sellers dark comedy and satire about stopping worrying and shutting up more often. Black and white film about nuclear missiles and being quiet. You take a lot away from it, which is ironic given how loud atom bombs are.

Shut Up Basterds

Probably the rudest film title ever! Quentin Tarantino’s film is about Nazis and shutting people up. Yes.

Shut Up Will Hunting

Another Matt Damon flick where he just has to shut the hell up! A precocious genius, Robin Williams takes him under his wing to try and get him to shut up more often.

Shut Up

Pixar animated romp where an old man, bored of people not shutting up, attaches a load of balloons to his home to escape life. Good on you, fella.

Eternal Sunshine of the Shut Up Mind

Jim Carrey finds out about the excellence of shutting up once in a while in this romantic comedy about being quiet. Kate Winslet is his co-star. She shuts up good!

The Shut Up Escape

Steve McQueen lays on the heavy silences in this film about escaping (quietly) from Nazis POW camps. Even the Brits manage to shut up for once (especially after they’ve been shot – you don’t get another word out of them).

And finally…

Shut Up Island

Leonardo DiCaprio stars in this film about an entire island dedicated to shutting up. He makes it his mission to ensure everyone who lives there is sticking to their pledge to shut up – even the slightest hint of a noise leads to a public lashing with a rusty chain, which leads to another lashing if the person makes a noise during the lashing. Great film!