Exclusive Invention: The Carpet Pan (all-in-one cooking carpet!)

Note the lack of a frying pan? That’s about to change!

Carpet is great and everything, until it’s been stuck to your floor for a decade. Then it takes on a manky hue, generally loses the soft fluffiness it once possessed, and you’re left with a motley thing that you daren’t place a naked foot upon. We can’t do anything to help you on that (except like, you know, you maybe hoover once in a while), but we can introduce the carpet pan!

This, unlike with our flying pan, is a merger of cooking with decor. The emphasis here very much being on the “cor” with. As in, “Cooorrrrrr!” due to the product being so gosh darned amazeballs. This is a carpet that doubles up as a frying pan – you can cook, then use it as a carpet and waltz around as if you have nary a care in the world. Brilliant? Yes!

Carpet Pan

Decor in the modern home is all about some semblance of purity. What could be purer than having a frying pan that’s also your carpet? This thing is all about convenience. The pan is stitched into your carpet – you keep stuff, like your sofa, on the carpet pan as normal. When it comes time to eat dinner, you move all the stuff off the carpet pan so that you can then pick up the product and start to cook.

Now, just to be clear, this means the carpet goes with you to the hob. Thusly, you’ll need some strength to lift a full carpet with a pan embedded in it. Indeed, whilst we trial ran this product the entire Professional Moron team had to get their backs in and lift the carpet up, before carefully lowering the pan over the roaring gas flame over our hob.

Naturally, during our product tests this quickly led to the carpet catching fire and burning to the ground. So we realised we required a flame resistant carpet in order to avoid it all being incinerated. That’s built into our product after we found out the hard way – we always put our customers first! It’s now opened the door to allow you to step right onto the carpet pan and cook up a storm whenever you fancy.


Whilst it can be a pain in the arse to continuously move your furniture off your carpet in order to just bloody cook something, remember this is convenient: it’s saving you from having to put your frying pan back into the kitchen cabinet. Just think of the revelation this will be for your family meals – it also encourages teamwork, bickering, and frustration. Experiences every family will cherish 20 years later when reminiscing about familial difficulties.

Each eventide, remove all furniture, gather around the carpet pan, and hoist with much gusto. Have the hob blazing away merrily and then place the product over the hob. With several family members holding the carpet steadily in place, you will now be free to cook whatever you please with the pan.

Naturally, bits of spittle and foodstuffs will splatter over onto the carpet. You may wish to clean this off later, or you can leave it for a natural effect on your decor. Do be warned, however, as this will fester over time and attract vermin – you’re welcome to consider wild rats as new family members. Bask in the glory of the carpet pan as giant, capricious rats raid your larder and leave you on the verge of destitution. With a merry smile on your face, you can thank Professional Moron for that.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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