Citizen Kane is the greatest film of all time, apparently, but we still prefer the Hottie & the Nottie. Paris Hilton’s tour de force proved that she’s not only unbelievably talented, but almost definitely the best looking human male to ever have existed. But today we’re on about rosebud, the greatest quote from the quote-fest film that is Citizen Kane. Let’s take a look at what could have been said instead.

Rosebud

Here’s the original in all its deified glory. What the heck does “rosebud” mean? A word with so much possibility. Newspaper magnate Charles Foster Kane snuffs it. As he does so, he utters that word. Why? What in the name of why?! That’s what the revered classic is all about. Sorted.

Rose blud

Perhaps Kane was being prescient, aware that gansgta rap slang would be infecting society half a century down the road. You never know. Smart people, these journalists.

Prose, bud

Being a journalist of sorts, surely he was pretty obsessed with prose? So they just misheard him, we guess. And the “bud” at the end was more slang. Makes sense to us.

Rose

Maybe he thought he was in the film Titanic and dealing with Kate Winslet’s character Rose DeWitt Bukater.

Rose, thud

Again, we think they misheard him. He was thinking of Titanic again, but as he died the thud of that thing onto the floor is what they heard. And not “bud” at all. Again, makes perfect sense to us.

Rose cud

The black and white of the film has connotations of cows. Cud is what cows do. Therefore, he said “rose cud” to intimate cows murdered him. That’s a conspiracy theory for you right there.

Rose spud

Whatever you think about Citizen Kane, there’s no denying there aren’t enough potatoes in the film. Here, Charles Foster Kane acknowledges that. Good.

Rose flood

Maybe Kane was worried there would be a flood of roses to wipe out humanity.

Rose pud

As in pudding. Maybe Kane’s dying wish was to be granted some pudding, instead of having to just hold that stupid snow globe. A bit thoughtless of them to not even have some carrot cake around, or something.

[Throws blood]

Or was it a typo in the script? Was Kane supposed to throw some blood at everyone? It’s better than just dropping a goddamn snow globe like a moron.

Ross, bud

We’re back into bud territory here, but presumably for Ross Gellar from Friends. Who wouldn’t consider that guy their bud?

Mowsbud

His final wish is to mow his lawn (flower buds, you see)? Well that’s a bit stupid. Maybe that’s why he was holding the snow globe, as he hates snow as it ruins his garden. Sad old git.

Death roes, bud

Back to bud again, but at least he got that opening bit spot on. It’s a keen observation for him right there, non?

And finally…

“I’d imagine my wedding as a fairy tale… huge, beautiful, and white.” Paris Hilton. What, like a bloody AVALANCHE, Hilton? Shut your face!