Are you utterly fed up of your thimble collection remaining wet and obnoxious? Do you awake each morning and announce: “Golly gosh, I do wish I didn’t have to dry my thimbles again this morning after dribbling all over them whilst unconscious drunk last night. If only there was a contraption available to make this process a tad easier!” Rest assured. We’ve invented the thimble dryer.

This contraption is much the same as your fancy pants tumble dryer. Those devices are used to dry your clothes if, for instance, you’re too impatient to just stick your washing on a washing line. It’s much the same for the thimble dryer, except if you have any emergency knitting to do this product will save your life.

Thimble Dyer

If you’re like us, you’ll have an extensive thimble collection cluttering up your home. If you enjoy dribbling as much as we do, you’ll also curse the day your thimble collection got so extensive. It’s just impossible to not get dribble on the things! This is what inspired us to create the thimble dryer, for we often just want to have an impulsive knit-off for no real reason. Can’t do that if your thimbles are slippery to the touch.

Now, some of our regular readers may wonder about what on Earth the Professional Moron staff would do knitting. Well, cretins, we do have a sensitive side and we oft (yes, that’s oft – it’s not a typo) wish to embrace the wonderful world of knitting stuff. Of course, this is us we’re on about here – woolly jumpers? What a waste of time! Elongated warmers for our bazooka collection? That’s more like it!

As winter is on the way, we’ve taken to knitting things that will keep all of our office products warm. We’ve even wrapped a warmer around our office toilet – it’s great to see the little thing not shivering away in the Mancunian chill. Of course, us lot being men, there have been some aiming problems and the warmer is now soiled – the stench is getting pretty bad. Oh well, guess it’ll sort itself out.

In the meantime, we need to knit more products to keep everything warm. And the thimble dryer is enabling us to do so. All you have to do is open up the door (the device is 10ft by 10ft, incidentally), place in a thimble, turn on the machine, and leave the thimble in the thimble dryer for an hour – with temperatures reaching as high as 100 degees centigrade, your thimble collection will remain dry at all times of the day! NB: Only one thimble can be added to the device at a time. 

Molten Thimble

To extract the thimble from the contraption (as the thimble will be incineratingly hot upon completing its drying cycle – attempt to pick it up with your hands and your flesh will be seared from your body), you’re going to need a pair of Professional Moron’s patented thimble pliers. Made out of steel, you can extract the thimble from the dryer and place it on the floor to let it cool.

Alternatively, you can immediately place the thimble onto your finger. Of course, due to its extreme temperatures, this will induce severe agony – the thimble will likely weld itself to your finger. You can view this as a positive, in some ways, as you don’t ever have to remove your thimble. However, should the thimble get wet (again, if you’re dribbling everywhere) you’ll have to dry it – to do so, you’ll have to clamber into the thimble dryer with the thimble still welded to you (which is why we made the device so enormous).

For safety purposes, we don’t recommend you do this regularly as you’ll receive severe internal injuries as the thimble dryer rotates you at speeds of up to 100 mph. You will also suffer third degree burns that will require extensive hospital time to recover from – the added bonus of this is you’ll have plenty of time in hospital to knit stuff. So, knit ready to miss out on knitting? Get the thimble dryer! It’s knit (nice)!