Okay, we’re calling it. Chewing gum is rubbish! What is the point of this bloody stuff?! It loses any flavour within 120 seconds of chewing commencement. After that, you’re left with a bland, squeaky blob of plastic that only gets increasingly flavourless over the passing minutes. You end up stuck in a cycle of mindlessly chewing for no reason on something you utterly detest. And don’t get us started on the “bubble” blowing bit! It’s…
Here’s the new slogan: Gum is dumb. Not only does it trigger off our misophonia whenever some div is there on public transport squelching through some gum with their mouth wide open… the cretin then gobs it out on the floor like a cretin. The result? We can’t speak for the rest of the world, but in England every single pavement is dotted with splotches of long dead gum. It’s like Jacksgum Pollock. Yeah?
What even is the bloody stuff? Well, we did our research. Chewing gum is a cohesive substance (usually soft, otherwise your teeth would shatter) with sweeteners, a polyol coating, gum base, and colouring to make it look moderately appetising. But this stuff has existed since antiquity – traces of our chewing habit are recorded in ancient civilisations. Indeed, since the Neolithic period of 6,000 years back folks were chewing on birch bark tar.
These days, such a business plan would leave you bankrupt in months. You need flavourings! You can’t force a bland, obstinate foodstuff on the market unless it’s touting some sort of… something. So, as always, sugar prevails and we have a horde of imbeciles wasting money on something utterlly irrelevant. Something that is also a, quite literaly, stain on society.
Chewing Gum Alternatives
What can overcome the chewing gum problem? Bloody chewing gum alternatives, that’s what! Fake chewing gum is a good start – follow the totally safe instructions highlighted in the above video. Once the “gum” is ready, hand if to someone you don’t like and then watch them choke to death (possibly). We’re sure they won’t notice the foul stench of glue – no, the radioactive pink should keep them distracted.
As highlighted over on last week’s “I ain’t got time to bleed“, you may also want to consider chewing tobacco. Become a real man (even if you’re a woman) – chew on this stuff, gob it everywhere, and marvel at how your innards feel like you’ve been puking solidly for the last month straight. Heck, science hasn’t proven it’s healthier than chewing gum, so what are you waiting for? Here today, gum tomorrow.