Exclusive Santa Column: Quantitive & Qualitative Product Delineation (Plus a Clogged Toilet)

Someone pointing at a graph in a business decision
“Can we change that blue bit to pink? I might understand this graph if I’m able to ameliorate within the spheres of visual ideation.”

Great, here we go. Another one of these Santa columns. For the record, we truly regret ever “reaching out” to this guy and offering him the chance to contribute to our website. But… well, there’s nothing we can do about it now. Santa is here to stay. Just remember, at least a good 65.4% of his views probably do not represent those of Professional Moron.

Quantitive & Qualitative Product Delineation

Christmas Shit

Our head of brand, Siegfried, has indicated the 10 hottest products Santa will need to focus on this Christmas. He called it the Quantitive & Qualitative Product Delineation, but I insisted it receive the title Christmas Shit as well. After I forced him at shotgun point to accept this, he later emailed around the above graph… which is supposed to clear up our “market focus within the sphere of synergised ideation”.

I don’t understand the graph. I was very open about this (screaming, shouting, slicing at Siegfried with my zombie knife etc.), but he insisted (through his tears and wails of anguish as I throttled him) its “representation of core competency creates a forward initiative driven by the ideation of incentivised monetisation and apparel!” I have tremendous difficulties understand what Siegfried is on about most of the time.

Indeed, I had my spy elf, Elfy, monitor Siegfried all day in an attempt to comprehend his lingo. Apparently, he used “ideate” on 455 separate occasions through the day, as well as 400 instances of “synergy” (which included the combo “synergised synergisation through ideated ideating”) and 399 “thought showers”. If he keeps this up, Siegfried will have to suffer an unfortunate bone crunching accident at some upcoming juncture.

Santa’s Clogged Toilet

Now, we only have three toilets on site. One is in my quarters, obviously, as the head honcho of this joint – I’m superior to my underlings and, quite rightly, get to park my backside on a throne of gold (it’s made from gold – literally – I’m proud of it… my backside, that is, not the toilet). The other one (for all staff members) is in the foyer of the reception. Unfortunately, after consuming 355 mince pies in 72 hours, Santa clogged his toilet and it’s backfired the plumbing system, pumping effluence out into the canteen.

The downside to all this is Santa now has to use the staff toilet whilst repairs take place. With 2,000 employees, thankfully the third toilet can cater for most of them. We have a giant open cesspit out back – it’s just you have to brave the subzero North Pole temperatures to use it. It’s either that, or queue for an hour to use the one remaining indoors toilet.

This disastrous set up for toilet #2 means, of course, everyone has to plan their bodily functions well in advance of their need to visit. If a staff member is inefficient, they could queue only to find, upon being put to the test, they don’t need to go. Worse still, the effluence backfire in the canteen has led to food contamination, so 70% of my employees have come down with dysentery (thankfully alleviating somewhat the aforementioned timing issue).

Sure, it’s not ideal, but Christmas is on the way so they either have to plump for the cesspit, foul themselves, or hold it all in agonisingly for an hour or so until the indoor toilet is free. Some of them have complained, but I just wave my shotgun about, fire off a few rounds, and they relent and get back to their duties. Meanwhile, according to the plumber I hired, my toilet is set for a fix within a fortnight. Grief…


A week after the canteen contamination, I decided the whole thing needed fumigating. With staff morale having plunged exponentially, it seemed like a wise move: “Christmas ain’t happenin’, if everyone is crappin’!” That’s my jolly fat man take on all of this. You need to remain positive in these situations, you know? That’s what being a good business leader is all about.

But what I ****ing hate is having to fork out £10,000 for the fumigation process! Why is life so unfair!? It’s a goddamn joke! So after seeing that projected bill, I refused to accept it. Instead, I got our janitor, regular parole violator Kev, to take out the 300 pounds of effluence with a mop and a bucket. Like the reprobate he is, Kev merely added to the problem by puking everywhere and passing out after 20 minutes. You just can’t get the staff these days!

Long story short, the canteen is cordoned off. I’ve taken to drinking heavily to ignore the problem. It’ll probably solve itself in some way. In the meantime, I’ve set up a new canteen out back right next to the open cesspit. It seems cost-effective and convenient for all concerned to eat their meals in full view of others defecating. Such thoughtful planning makes me wonder… how have I never won businessman of the year!?

One comment

  1. Good old Santa! The Quantitive & Qualitative Product Delineation pyramid is quite the poetic image, I’m mean with all that s@*& piling up at the compound, just before Christmas.


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