Great TV Shows That Never Were: The Soapranos

Soap bars
12 gangsters lost their limbs to ensure this soap looked this good. Soap… it’s a dangerous old game.

The Sopranos is regularly cited as one of the greatest TV shows since time itself began. But we reckon our non-existent rip-off alternative version, The Soapranos, is something entirely better to behold. How could you go wrong with a gangsta series with loads and loads of soap?

Organised crime usually involves drugs and guns. But these bad, bad gangsters are missing a trick – why not soap? That’s what this award-losing series (with an all-star cast) examines, highlighting just why exactly soap is a bit stupid and you really should just embrace your natural stench.

The Soapranos

Tony Soaprano (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a shop assistant. He helps customers find tinned goods – stuff like petit pois. Growing wearisome with this job, he decides to break free and begin a black market soap industry.

Robbing a bank with only his mighty man muscles, he uses the money to buy a factory in downtown downtown (the most downtown bit of New York on Earth). Enlisting a bunch of dickheads to support him, he’s soon pelting out cheap soap into the community. The soap is so cheap, the proles lap it up like subservient cretins.

Within 12 months, Tony Soaprano is the most powerful soap overlord in all of New York. Feared by everyone, he takes to crushing his competition by jamming soap into their mouths if they complain. People who aren’t susceptible to such torture are simply blown away by guns instead.

Thusly, the TV series (all one season – it’s too rubbish, so its cancellation is inevitable) plays out with Schwarzenegger dealing with special cameos. These include Sean Connery as Soapy Sean (a rival soap gangster with a Scottish accent), Signourney Weaver as Soapy Sigourney (a rival soap gangster with an American accent), and Sid Vicious (who can’t actually perform in the show, due to death).

Best Episodes

Okay, so every show has to have good episodes. There will be bad ones, too, but it’s the good ones you’ll like. And The Soapranos is filled with so many bad ‘uns you’ll lose the will to live before you’re halfway through the 54 episode first season!

  • Soap Sorry To See You: After an overenthusiastic employee orders in 20 million bars of soap, Tony Soaprano rips the staff member’s arms from his body. Schwarzenegger ad-libs: “Try washing yourself with soap now, smelly!” Nice one, Big Arnie.
  • Soap Club: Tony Soaprano watches Fight Club for some ideas about generating high-quality soap. Suitably inspired, he starts an illegal Soap Club as a side-hustle. This involves soap enthusiasts turning up on Thursday evenings to discuss their favourite soaps. Free tea is available for all attendees. Anyone who rejects the free tea is shot dead.
  • Soap the Pope: As another side-hustle, Tony Soaprano commissions a mobile phone game. He names it Soap the Pope. This involves gamers pelting soap bars at the Pope for a high-score. Religious leaders across the world condemn the video game, to which Soaprano quips in a TV interview: “Soap off, you assholes!”
  • Soap on a Slope: A truck transporting some of Soaprano’s soap breaks down on a slope. The hysterical driver then accidentally unlocks the rear of the truck, jettisoning the soap all over the road – he flees in a panic. Tony Soaprano triggers a manhunt, vowing to leave no soap bar unturned in his search for the traitor. Once found, he’s shot dead.
  • Telesoap: Whilst contemplating further side-hustles, Tony Soaprano decides to create a new type of telescope. The telesoap is born! Unfortunately, it’s a commercial disaster and not even a clever advertising slogan (“Telesoaps are great! Buy one!”) can save the failed venture. In a rage, Tony Soaprano takes a 12 hour bath and uses 120 bars of fresh soap. Emerging smelling so vigorously of the stuff, 30 of his employees suffocate to death due to noxious soap fumes.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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