Lonely Hearts Column 2019: Men Seeking Women

Online dating
This is known as “wuv”.

Right, it’s 2019 and we’re starting off with a theme of love. Or “wuv”, if you want to call it that. This time around we’ve got some willing bachelors who are after a lady. If you’re one of those, then let us know if one of these geezers catches your attention. We’ll then pay for your date at your nearest McDonald’s.

Men Seeking Women

Box #1 – Blorg: Hello. I am Blorg. I am from the planet Blorgton. I am a 10ft blob of slime. I enjoy blobulating and emitting high-pitched shrieks. I have a bad sense of humour. I seek a mate to cultivate my slime in order to further the Blorgton race. If mindless subservience to an alien overlord is your thing, please contact Blorg.

Box #2 – Lyrical Liam: Hi, I’m Liam and I’m European. I need a bird who don’t look like a turd. I love women, they get me grinnin’. But they belong in kitchen, ‘cos otherwise they just bitchin’. But women is cool, even though they often drool. And I’m well ace, ‘cos I own a mace. And I wear deodorant, so I don’t smell like a goat. If you want to get wiv me, then send you better not be called Billy.

Box #3 – Grimey Gary: Hello, I’m Gary and I’m a bit dirty. The boiler backfired in 2015, you see, and I’ve not replaced it. So I’ve not had a shower in over three years. I offset the putrid stench by rubbing myself with garlic and olive oil. My plan is to save up for a giant barrel. Then I can fill that with hot water and bathe in it like a trooper. That’s my dream.

Box #4 – John: I’m John. I do John type things, like visiting the post office for stamps. I got six first class stamps yesterday. Then I went to the supermarket and got a cauliflower. I’m going to boil that tonight (not with the stamps). I also collect socks. And I like meeting other people called John. Johns are the best. Non-Johns are subhuman shit. If you’re called John, get in touch. If you’re not called John, you’ll need to change your name via deed poll.

Box #5 – Perambulating Pete: Hi, I’m Pete and I perembulate. It’s actually a medical condition, so I expect your psychological support whenever I have to perambulate around something rather than over it. It’s time-consuming dating me, but if you can deal with the perambulation thing then you’ll find I’m ace.

Box #6 – Desperate Dave: I’ve been single for 15 years and just want to date anything that moves! Seriously, I ain’t picky. Got no arms? That’s fine! Dead? That’s great! I ain’t a bigot. I’ll date anyone. I just need to get my goddamn rocks off!!

Box #7 – Bothersome Bob: I’m a professional botherer, which means I bother people for a living. This makes me most bothersome on dates, but if you can deal with the relentless, never-ending, perpetual bothering you’ll find I’m a sweat natured man who sweats a lot. And no, that’s not a typo. It comes with the bothering business.

Box #8 – Derek the Dribbler: Heya, I’m Derek and I’m a brain surgeon. Well, an amateur brain surgeon, so I don’t command a good salary, I’m on minimum wage. I also have a dribbling affliction, so when I’m doing brain surgery I often dribble into peoples’ open skulls. But hey, you get what you pay for, am I right?

Box #9 – Raconteur Ryan: I have this name ironically as I’m actually terrible at telling anecdotes. I live an insipid, worthless existence. My wife called me an “Odious bastard!” and left me last year. I took raconteur lessons to become more interesting, but I just keep telling a story about how I went to the shop to buy yoghurt, but accidentally bought bleach instead. So I got home and couldn’t eat the bleach. It was most disappointing. Probably like dating me. But I’ll buy you a pint if you agree. Half a pint. Of the cheapest lager on tap.

Box #10 – Frying Pan Fan: Sup? I’m Frederick. I make frying pans for a living. I also love frying pans and collect them for a side-hustle, too. I loathe pans, though, so don’t bring that up in a discussion. Otherwise I fly into an uncontrollable rage that involves me smashing skulls against walls. Just a friendly warning. And if you date, I’ll give you a frying pan… for free!!


    • We’ve sent Pete your details! As he’s currently perambulating across a wide expanse of British countryside you may have to wait a few months for a response. We’ll keep you posted.


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