Buffy the Ampersand Slayer: The Great TV Show That Never Was

Buffy the Ampersand Slayer

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a hit ’90s show that was actually pretty rubbish, but lots of teenage boys watched it to fantasise about conventionally attractive Sarah Michelle Gellar.

With that in mind, we thought it was time for a spin-off for language nerds.

That’s why we’ve created Buffy the Ampersand Slayer, a new TV series involving a brave heroine out to slay all those terrifying, dangerous, and angry ampersands.

Slay the &, Buffy!

Spurred on by her fear of passive voice, Buffy the Ampersand Slayer (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) realises that ampersands (&) are running amok in society!

She joins forces with Xander Harris (Kim Cattrall), Willow Rosenberg (Cynthia Nixon), and Cordelia Chase (Kristin Davis) to inadvertently reunite the cast of Sex and the City.

After going shopping for new high heels and handbags, the foursome hit the local bars and drink lots of cocktails.

It’s whilst necking Piña coladas and Caipirinhas that the Ampersands attack.

This supernatural race of horrifying punctuation mark monsters hail from the dark, dank Ampersand Underworld. And they want normal “and”s dead!

They’re headed by the despicable Andrew the Ampersand (played by Tom Holland) and his sidekick Andy the Ampersand (played by Tom Hollander).

With all-out war declared on the warring Ampersands, Buffy and her team of half wasted 50+ somethings must overcome unsteady, overpriced high-heeled shoes in order to save everyone from less flexibility when it comes to type/writing “and”.

Starting with a budget of $20 million, the show was praised by critics for the:

  • Return of Sex and the City, albeit not actually in Sex and the City (but close enough)
  • Accurate portrayal of semi-drunk women struggling to stay upright in expensive and awkward footwear
  • Authentic representation of psychotic ampersands terrorising the world of English, diction, grammar, and punctuation

Despite the critical acclaim, viewers soon tired of the show.

This was, in part, due to audience ignorance—few casual observers knew what an ampersand is and, worse, didn’t comprehend the threat of its warring ways.

Buffy the Ampersand Slayer’s Best Episodes

Dropped after one season, fans of the show rioted across cities worldwide.

The UN appealed for calm, but still immediately funded $30 million to ensure a second season would end the rioting. This is now in production and is being directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As fans await the next series, let’s take a look at the highlights from the first 23 episodes, shall we?

  • Exclamation Mark Ennui: In this episode, Buffy befriends a depressed exclamation mark and nurtures it back to full health. Whereupon it begins a successful career on marketing hoardings across New York City!
  • Questionable Question Marks: A horde of confused question marks smothers Bournemouth. Buffy and her team are flown in by helicopter to redirect them home (Bermuda).
  • Hyphen to Hell: A hyphen escapes from Hell after being sent there for pretending to be an em dash. Buffy’s job is to hunt the SOB down and send it packing back to Beelzebub.
  • Apoplectic Apostrophe: John, a crazed apostrophe, teams up with Andrew the Ampersand and the duo terrorise local bookshops in downtown New York. They’re eventually shooed out of the Big Apple by giant, pointy high heels from Buffy and co.

We love the show! And we’re looking forward immensely for the return of the new Sex and the City series… sorry, we mean Buffy the Ampersand Slayer season two.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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