Succession the TV series just came to an end. Fans will be hankering for me! Thus, we enter the fray with our latest concept—Decompression!
Set in the mysterious world of deep sea diving, the show follows the lives of deep sea divers as they run an underwater business. All whilst SCHEMING to become the industry’s top deep sea diver.
All to the tune of ambient pressure reductions to avoid the bends (decompression sickness). Plus, diving chambers! It’ll be the series of the summer.
Decompression and the Pursuit of TV Boredom
Ever seen James Cameron’s The Abyss (1989) and remember that bit where Michael Biehn’s character loses it? That was the bends.
Decompression sickness (DCS), also called Caisson disease, occurs when divers get dissolved gases in their bloodstream. Usually nitrogen, it forms as gas bubbles in their circulation and can lead to some serious health problems (such as instant death).
This is why deep sea divers can’t just go hurtling to the surface. They have to…
Decompress!
Usually in ominous looking diving chambers. So, imagine AN ENTIRE TV SERIES based on long, boring, arduous hours spent sitting in the, aforementioned, decompression chambers. That’s the massive hit TV show of 2023 Decompression for you.
Written and directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the series stars the entire lead cast of Succession. Just underwater. Plus, Big Arnie has thoughtfully provided himself with a major role as The Decompression Terminator.
Filmed ON LOCATION across an incredibly dangerous deep sea set out in the Pacific ocean, Big Arnie pushed the boundaries of what television can achieve.
It’s 37 episode first season cost $1 billion to produce! Season two will cost $3 billion (if studio execs clear it)! Season three will be $10 billion (if studio execs don’t cancel it, of course)! Season four etc. etc.
Schwarzenegger said of his ambitious project:
“I like the ocean and I like business and I like decompressing things. So when I pitched the concept to the studio I said, ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it.’ They instantly said, ‘Have one billion dollars, Mr. Schwarzenegger!’ And I said, ‘Thank you very much, you cold blooded bastard!’ Then I made the show.”
Episodes typically consist of the cast swimming about in deep sea waters. Before safely resurfacing, they must sit about in decompression units for multiple days.
For example, a 650ft deep sea dive results in eight days of decompression.
This riveting concepts occupies the first eight episodes of Decompression, playing out with staggeringly boring and realistic moment by moment action of characters yawning in boredom and/or reading tattered old copies of 50 Shades of Grey.
As you’d expect, the show was massively unpopular with many critics and viewers considering it to be “dull”. Such accusations infuriated Schwarzenegger, who responded in the press with this statement:
Mr. Schwarzenegger then proceeded to reel off his many, many one-liners interspersed with chugging from an enormous cigar.
Decompression has, thus far, not had its second series green lit.
The Best Decompressive Moments From Decompression
Whilst the fate of the show hangs in the balance, Decompression’s dozen or so fans can still reflect on its highlights so far.
- Decompression dancing: To try and alleviate the boredom, the characters have a Decompression Dance Off in episode 10. Despite the cramped conditions in the diving chamber, they have a bloody good go at it. However, several broken legs later and they decide to return to their copies of 50 Shades of Grey.
- Decompression drumming: After the failed dancing experiment, the characters have a drum off on the diving chamber’s reverberating innards. Unfortunately, the drumming merely attracts a bunch of sharks whom attack the diving chamber on sight. Luckily, no one is killed.
- Yodelling: In episode 29, and bored out of their minds, the characters yodel to keep their spirits up. This is the highest rated episode of the series, currently holding a 3.4/10 score on IMDb.
- Mongoose madness: In episode 35, disaster strikes! A mongoose breaks loose and runs riot in the diving chamber! Bedlam! Chaos! Excitement! This five minute encounter, before the mongoose decides to have a kip from boredom, is also rated as one of the show’s peaks. One reviewer on IMDb wrote, “It also made me not want to turn my TV off.”
If you’d like this amazing series renewed for a second season, send angry letters and social media death threats to as many studios as you can contact.
Puerile toxicity is a guaranteed way to get what you want in life.
However, should that fail you can become a deep sea diver and enjoy protracted periods in diving chambers in the years ahead.
