In the 1980s, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his mighty man muscles grunted their way onto the screen. We had films like The Terminator, Commando, and Predator; whilst the belief is Big Arnie isn’t a good actor, he’s actually rather excellent as macho man Dutch in this sci-fi romp, yanking out his acting chops whilst flexing his muscles mightily.
The rest of the cast aren’t exactly up to scratch, it has to be said, with some hilariously camp one-liners from the likes of Jesse Ventura (Ace Ventura‘s dad). Big Arnie drops a few awesome one-liners as well, with the legendary “If it bleeds, we can kill it” standing out due to its pragmatism. But what if the Austrian Oak had ad-libbed something else?
If it bleeds, we can kill it
Fantastic logic from Big Arnie right there. What happens next is the sweaty, muscle-bound men in the jungle then have a bit of a workout. We’re not saying Predator is homoerotic by modern standards, as opposed to the display of outright machoism the director likely intended back in the ’80s, but it sort of is.
If it reads, we can kill it
Presumably, this alien monstrosity does like to kick back and read a bit of the alien equivalent of Shakespeare. Slobber-speare, of whatever. Lol.
If it sneezed, we can kill it
Sneezing is a sign of weakness. Don’t let it happen to you. Imagine if the Predator had spent the entire film sneezing and giving its position away. Would have been a stupid film.
If it wheezed, we can kill it
If the alien had been a heavy smoker then things would have been a lot easier for Dutch and his men, huh?
If it’s into Squeeze, we can kill it
As in the band. What did the Predator like to listen to? We reckon a bit of ’80s Madonna and thrash metal.
If it kneads, we can kill it
The cat-like Predator may have been into kneading. Perhaps all it wanted to do was cosy up with the men and knead them a bit with its claws. Talk about a misunderstanding! Everyone ended up obliterated.
If it has needs, we can kill it
Yes, even giant, slobbering aliens have needs. What’s disappointing in Predator is the back story isn’t developed for the alien. Back home, the beast may have been a barrel of laughs – a wisecracking joker with a penchant for impersonations of humans. It was only necessarily a remorseless killing machine once it reached Earth.
If it likes tweed, we can kill it
As fashion statements go, the Predator is a bit of a mental one. Still, a tweed skirt would have been even worse.
If it likes Assassin’s Creed, we can kill it
Damn straight, we’ve never really liked that video games series. Plus, the new film is meant to be dodgy. When even Michael Fassbender can’t save a film, you know there’s been a problem.
If it concedes, we can kill it
This logical version of the alien would have conceded its behaviour was unwarranted and behaved itself thereafter. A film for pacifists, then.
If it lip-reads, we can kill it
Well it probably can lip-read and they do kill it so, yeah, this would have been a truthful saying as well.
If it whinnies, we can kill it
Yes, too true. Another great maxim!
If it shimmies, we can kill it
There’s little indication in the film the beast is much of a dancer but, in its downtime, maybe the crazed SOB likes a bit of twerking.
If it likes seaweed, we can kill it
The Predator may have been clueless about many Earth customs, such as eating seaweed. Who knows? If Dutch and his men had fed it the stuff it could have saved them all.
If it spoonfeeds, we can kill it
Similarly, had they spoonfed the monstrosity some poison (pretending its syrup, or something) the film would have been a lot shorter.
If it’s a centipede, we can kill it
It’s not a centipede, Arnold, it’s a 9ft alien from space.
If it’s unpedigreed, we can kill it
Similarly, this thing is not a dog. Get your act together, man!
If it’s photocopied, we can kill it
Yeah, had it been a giant photocopy someone was wielding about in the jungle it would have been a different film.
If it skis, we can kill it
Finally, we’re not sure why it would be in the jungle trying to go skiing, but then we guess it was its first visit to Earth. This place is pretty confusing at the best of times.
Mead is good.
After many years, I now feel sorry for the Predator.
Yes, you bring up a valid point. What about it’s home life, family, friends and hobbies? What if he was the homemaker type? What if he made the bread? Well, he would knead the bread.
Still, it comes to your point, “If it kneads, we can kill it”.
Sad, though, thinking about an entire family of Predators going without bread.
I smell a prequel! It could be set on the Predator’s home planet where he’s a baker with his cute, slobbering family of maniacs. Charm-master Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could be the lead. Supporting cast: Steve Buscemi, Billy Zane, Emma Thompson, and Kelsey Grammer.
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FAB! Great idea & excellent casting. I suppose: Steve Buscemi would play his wife, Billy Zane the eldest (handsomest) son who is also a vampire, Emma Thompson the daughter wanted for procreation by all male Predators in general, and Kelsey Grammer, the wise old grandfather Predator who no one listens to (but he gets to live in the basement)