Cat hypnosis is the latest breakthrough in the world of hypnotism. As what could be more hypnotic than the purring, merciless gaze of a cat? You are entranced!

Let it be so! Journey on down to Cat Hypnosis Ltd. to be inducted into a state of consciousness in which your person loses the power of voluntary action and can be directed to GREATER THINGS by our expert team of felines.

But before you go any further, this sponsored post is sponsored by the excellent cat-based indie game Stray. Play it NOW to offload your feline fantasies!

Mesmerised by Meowing

For a mere £500 a session Cat Hypnosis Ltd. offers a safe and secluded spot for you to enter one of our cat-based therapy rooms. This consists of a:

• 4×4 room as your bedrock “safe space”.
• Comfortable sofa where you’ll be hypnotised.
• Kitty litter tray in the corner.
  • This is tucked out of the way so your hypnotherapy session shouldn’t be interrupted by any toiletry incidents.
• Food tray in another corner.

If the cat becomes hungry, or wishes to take a very long nap, you’ll have to wait for it to be satisfied and return to its hypnotising duty.

How Cat Hypnotising Works

It’s as easy as sitting on your sofa in your living room and watching TV.

All you have to do is pay your £500 upfront, enter the 4×4 safe space room, upon which you’ll be greeted by one of our cats*.

You must seat yourself on the sofa and the cat shall then sit somewhere on the sofa (or your lap) stare into your eyes and hypnotise you. This can be for the purposes of curing:

• Smoking addictions.
• Gambling addictions.
• Insomnia.
• Phobias.

On rare occasions, the cat can manipulate the situation to enforce you to go into the street to buy it fresh prawns from the supermarket.

In such circumstances you’re, sadly, at the total beck and call of the cat hypnotist and must complete its merciless bidding.

* Do note, on rare occasions our cats have been known to take a strong dislike to clients and either hiss at them or fly through the air at them with claws thrashing. Please note, there are no refunds if this is your therapeutic outcome.

Meet the Cat Hypnotists

Here are the cats, all experts in their fields at hypnotising humans and making them do stuff they wouldn’t normally do.

Claudia

With six years’ experience in the bizz, Claudia is our lead cat hypnotist and has been known to knock a human unconscious within 15 seconds thanks to her startling gaze.

She specialises in getting hapless humans to buy her gourmet cat food from fancy supermarkets such as Marks & Spencer.

But she is also prone to solving gambling addictions (due to customers spending all their money on buying Claudia fancy food instead).

Claire

The prettiest cat in the land, Claire will gaze into your eyes and expect you to put a saucer of milk out for her.

Her other speciality is taking 12-hour naps uninterrupted. She has a hit rate of curing insomnia cases of 1%. Now those are some odds stacked in your favour!

Agatha

“Angry Agatha” (as our regular customers have nicknamed her) is a sweetheart. At least when she’s not being very angry.

She typically refuses to do her job and doesn’t try hypnotising anyone. She’ll scratch you if you try any funny business (i.e. petting).

If you’re unfortunate enough to book in with Agatha, sit quietly on the floor in one corner of the room and wait, whilst praying for mercy, until your session ends.

Charles

Charles fronts our business propaganda with his sweet, vacant face. With three months’ hypnotising experience he may be a newbie, but his powers of persuasion are remarkable.

He once got a man to quit smoking in under 60 seconds!

Granted, that’s because when the man tried to light up Charles launched himself across the room to bat the fag out of the guy’s mouth (and proceeded to claw at the customer’s face).

The PTSD our customer endured due to this attack cured his 40 year smoking habit. Now that’s value for money!

Larry

Larry the Lion is on loan from London zoo. Tame to the extreme and as safe to be around as driving without a seatbelt, Larry will sit quietly staring while convincing you with his big eyes that insomnia isn’t the way forward.

Many customers find his terrifying presence to do the exact opposite and keep them up at night, but it’s the thought that counts with Larry.

Customers should also be aware we’re only 10 minutes away from a hospital in the event of gouging and/or mauling.