Good old Goldfinger (Gert Fröbe) in Goldfinger (1964) provided the world with a masterclass in a heavily delayed execution method: “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”

Despite letting a laser beam move slower than a snail’s pace towards James Bond’s (Sean Connery) crotch he did, at least, manage to land an all-time great one liner at the Scottish geezer.

But what if he’d used that enormous amount of spare time whilst waiting to think of something better to say? Here’s some wordplay!

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

Here’s the original in all its glory. It’s up there with Bond’s “A martini. Shaken, not stirred” in its memorability. Audiences may have been horrified by Goldfinger’s callous remark, but at least he was to the point.

There’s nothing worse than a supervillain who loves the sound of his own voice. Just straight up, “Die, Bond!” Just a shame the technique he chose was so… ruddy… slow.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to bake a pie!

Which, to be honest, Bond could well have done given just how slow that laser was moving. A proper good comfort food slice of Stargazy pie or some such. Reet proper.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to cry!

A possible outcome but let’s remember here. James Bond is a real man. And real men never cry! Keep that in mind all you “new age” men with your “feelings” and “thoughts” and *mumble grumble*.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to usher a battle cry!

Not likely. Bond’s battle cry is the martini line, seeing as the bloke is really a functioning alcoholic and all that.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to play I spy!

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with g.

No, Mr. Bond, I genuflect and then you die!

Well, that’s not usually the way genuflection works but if it involves slow moving laser beams then perhaps this is the exception.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect U2 die!

Bit of of text speak AND a reference to rock band U2 here. Very clever, Goldfinger, even if U2 wasn’t around in 1964 so no one will get the reference.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect boo-boo to die!

Here Goldfinger is getting a bit patronising. A real man like James Bond won’t appreciate being called a boo-boo, so you’d better be prepared for when Bond escapes and throttles you one, matey!

No, Mr. Bond, I expect poo to die!

We did this one just to be immature and, yes, it worked.

No, Mr. Bond, I trisect you to die!

Trisection is the division of something (in this example James Bond) into three parts. A laser beam will do that, so this bit of wordplay is officially condoned by us, Goldfinger, and probably even James Bond.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect fondues to die!

This is just Goldfinger offloading his petty prejudices against fondues here. Pay him no heed! Fondue bigotry is a sad reflection on the state of the world.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to fly!

James Bond can’t fly, but we wouldn’t put it past a future film offering this type of entertainment.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to death!

This would’ve been fun if Goldfinger had let broken English get the better of him. Lighten the tone a bit, you know?

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to pull through!

This would be more accurate as a claim, yes, as let’s face it. James Bond is a bloke fantasy world about always prevailing against the odds, then getting off with some bit of human female who happens to be in the local vicinity. Keep it real, Goldfinger!

And finally…

No, Mr. Bond, I select you to die!

In all the years we’ve been doing these stupid Quote Off Extravaganzas, this is probably the line that works the best. If not outright IMPROVES on the original. It’s taken 10 years but we got there in the end. Hurray!