COME AND WORK AT THE LOUDEST LIBRARY IN THE WORLD AT THE LOUD LIBRARY, LOCATED IN BOLTON OF GREATER MANCHESTER!

NO TWO DAYS ARE THE SAME HERE!

THE ONLY GIVEN IS THE CONSTANT, HIGH-PITCHED RINGING IN YOUR EARS AS OUR LIBRARY CAUSES TINNITUS FOR EVERY ENTRANT! HURRAY! YOU’LL NEVER BE CURSED BY THE SOUND OF SILENCE AGAIN!

THE LOUD LIBRARY: WHERE READING IS A DEAFENING PURSUIT

THE LOUD LIBRARY IS LOOKING TO HIRE A LOUD PERSON WITH A PASSION FOR THUNDERING NOISES (AND READING).

IF YOU’RE VERY LOUD YOU’LL FIT RIGHT IN HERE!

PREFERABLY, WE’RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WITH AT LEAST ONE YEAR OF EXPERIENCE IN A SIMILARLY LOUD ROLE. YOU SHOULD HAVE A:

• VERY LOUD VOICE!
• PENCHANT FOR SHOUTING!!
• CAPACITY TO WITHSTAND DEAFENING NOISES!!!
• FONDNESS FOR READING AND LIBRARIES IN GENERAL!!!!
• DESIRE TO CREATE A LOT OF NOISE REGULARLY WITH NO REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE’S SAFETY!!!!!

YOUR DUTIES EACH DAY WILL VARY, BUT SHARE A COMMON GOAL. THAT BEING TO CREATE AS MUCH NOISE WITHIN THE LIBRARY AS POSSIBLE.

YOU’LL BE PERFORMING DUTIES SUCH AS:

• DETONATING LARGE STOCKPILES OF EXPLOSIVES
• BELLOWING AND SHOUTING AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE
• BLASTING DREADFUL CHART MUSIC AT EXTREME VOLUMES
• BANGING ON POTS AND PANS WITH A LADLE
• ENCOURAGING VISITORS TO GENERATE NOISE, SUCH AS ANSWERING THEIR SMARTPHONES AND/OR ENGAGING IN ARGUMENTS
• PLAYING THE DRUMS

SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES WILL HAVE PRIOR EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOUD, ANNOYING, AND A GENERAL NUISANCE TO SOCIETY.

PLEASE HIGHLIGHT ANY CONVICTIONS OF CRIMES ON YOUR APPLICATION. THESE WILL GREATLY BENEFIT YOUR CHANCES.

THE PERKS OF WORKING AT THE LOUD LIBRARY

THE LOUD LIBRARY IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES EMPLOYER.

WE ENCOURAGE PARTICULARLY OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE, SUCH AS ANYONE WHO IS IRRITATINGLY LOUD, TO APPLY FOR THIS ROLE.

IT’S OUR GUARANTEE YOU’LL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT! THIS INCLUDES BEING PAID MINIMUM WAGE AND, AS A CONSEQUENCE, YOU’LL BE LEFT ON THE CUSP OF POVERTY AND HOMELESSNESS AT ALL TIMES.

IN RETURN, WE EXPECT YOU TO TURN UP AND CONSIDER IT AN ASTONISHING PRIVILEGE TO ACHIEVE SUCH STATUS. IT’S THE LOUD LIBRARY WAY!

THE LEGAL BIT: WHY WE’RE A LOUD PLACE TO WORK

WE’RE LEGALLY OBLIGED TO INDICATE WHY WE’RE A NOISY PLACE TO WORK, LOUDER THAN MOST CONSTRUCTION SITES.

WE APPRECIATE THIS IS IN STARK CONTRAST TO MOST LIBRARIES, WHICH TEND TO PROMOTE A PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT TO QUIETLY ENJOY READING BOOKS.

OUR CEO, MR. JOHN “ANGRY” HORSESHOE, NOTES THIS:

“MY MOTHER USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘LOWER YOUR VOICE, JOHN! WE ARE IN THE LIBRARY! YOU ARE BEING TOO LOUD FOR THE LIBRARY! HENCE THE NEED TO BE QUIETER!’ I HATED BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO! SO I CREATED THE LOUD LIBRARY IN REVENGE OVER THAT SILLY OLD WOMAN! NOW MY REVENGE IS COMPLETE! BWAH! BWAHAHAH! BWWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

PLEASE NOTE, EARPLUGS ARE FORBIDDEN IN THE LOUD LIBRARY.

THE LOUD LIBRARY IS A PLACE TO BE AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE WHILE STUDYING AND/OR READING BOOKS FOR LEISURE PURPOSES.

ANYONE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NOISE WILL BE BANNED FOR LIFE!