It’s easy to envy some music stars. Whether it’s Jim Morrison and his long flowing locks of man hair, or Nicola Roberts and her long flowing locks of redhead woman hair, you look at these people and you BURN inside with hair-based jealously!

However, some bands are just bloody annoying (no matter how much hair the members have). The Doorbells was one such group.

Formed in Manchester during the Madchester late ’80s era, the band became notorious for doorbells playing in their songs. Detested the world over, few bands have inspired such hatred as The Doorbells. This… is their story.

The Intrusive Ringing and Dinging of The Doorbells

The band was formed in 1986 in response to The Smiths dreary and monotonous warbling. Uni student brothers Dave and David Brown formed a band called The Fish Chips & Gravy,

Initially part of the late ’80s Madchester scene of Manchester, their early songs were all about popping pills and dancing all night long until collapsing due to dehydration. Following a timely conversion to Scientology, a name change followed to The Doorbells and the members turned a new leaf and became obsessed with the beauty of doorbells.

David Brown said in a February 1990 interview:

“The bells sing and ring and bing and ding, but never sting. They’re beautiful. They’re so beautiful last night I shat my pants in delight at the melodies. The endless melodies! I’ve still not cleaned myself up such is my reverie for the b… where are you going?! This is an interview, I demand you come back here to conclude this experience!”

Alongside fouling themselves in sheer delight at the beauty of doorbells, the band’s debut album Ring-A-Ding-Ding launched in January 1991 after a string of poorly received singles in 1990.

The album was poorly received.

Undeterred, the band hit the Lancashire touring circuit and gained a notorious reputation for constantly playing 100s of doorbells over the top of their live performance. This made it almost impossible to hear, or enjoy, the shows.

The press branded The Doorbells as “gimmicky” and Madchester turned its back on the shaggy haired annoyances.

Ring-a-Ding-Ding—The Beginning of the End

Many music critics highlight the failure of The Doorbells as a band began with the release of their debut album. Consisting of 12 tracks, at the end of each one there’s a 30 second ode to a different type of doorbell ringing.

In comparison to the cool bands of the era, such as The Stone Roses and The Happy Mondays, The Doorbells just looked (and sounded) a bit shit.

One critic was very critical and noted:

“The album should be called Ring-a-Dung-Dung. As in, cow dung. Because cow crap is more pleasant than listening to this twee garbage.”

The tracks on Ring-a-Dung-Dung included the following cover versions:

• I Heard it Through the Doorbell
• Smells Like Doorbell Spirit
• I Can’t Get No Doorbell
• Sweet Doorbell O’Mine
• I Will Always Love Doorbells
• Doorbell Queen
• No Doorbell No Cry
• Papa’s Got a Brand New Doorbell

Critics were particularly critical of the number of cover songs The Doorbells relied upon in their debut. Only one song was written by the band.

That track is called Doorbells.

This led many of the band’s peers to suggest The Doorbell’s lyric writing abilities were a bit on the poor side of things.

Terrible Sales and Criticism From the Doorbells Industry

Due to all of the bad press the band was getting, this negativity spread to doorbells themselves. In 1991, the industry reported a 21% surging decrease in sales of doorbells, which was attributed to the band.

David Brown responded with this press release:

“During this difficult time, it’s difficult, on a difficulty basis, to overcome such difficult accusations. We deny them. That’s a difficult decision to make as we love doorbells so dearly, but, as difficult as it is, the difficulty of such an accusation can’t be ignored.”

He went on to state, at a live performance in a field just outside Bolton of Greater Manchester in June 1991, that the people running The National Doorbell Association were “bellends”.

After threats of legal action for slander, he apologised and withdrew his comment.

However, The National Doorbell Association wouldn’t let it drop. After multiple court cases and a hefty £30 million fine for the band, the association members also went round to the band members’, respective, homes and started chucking bricks through the windows.

The fine was eventually reduced to £300,000 in damages due to the broken windows incidents, for which The National Doorbell Association refused to apologise.

The Doorbells Malfunction: Into Notorious Obscurity Did They Go

By 1993 the band had disintegrated due to the hefty £300,000 fine. The Brown brothers, in a fit of rage, went round to The National Doorbell Association premises and unironically pelted broken doorbells through the building’s windows.

They brothers then fled the scene, but the local police department chased after them in a dramatic action scene like that from The French Connection (1971) except in Bolton.

The chase ended in an ultra-spectacular barrel roll of the Brown brother’s Robin Reliant into a ditch filled with mud. Although they survived unscathed, the tabloid headlines the next day labelled them as The Shit Brothers.

To add insult to injury, The Doorbells were voted Worst Band of the 1990s in a public poll.

Since that fateful decade, it’s unknown where the brothers have gone. Some suggest they run a pie shop in Wigan. Others believe they escaped to Barbados to live in a ditch there. But others believe The National Doorbell Association never could let its grudge go…

And that’s led to malicious rumours the brothers were kidnapped and haven’t been allowed to hear a doorbell since, at least, like 1994 or something.

The ultimate punishment. 🛎️