The Dog Delusion: Great Books That Never Were 🐶

The Dog Delusion book about dogs not existing

Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion (2006) was a landmark piece of writing. However, the work inspired many rip-offs eager to cash in on the delusionality trend.

One such work is the obscure The Dog Delusion (2007). Written by a lunatic conspiracy theorist, it posits a thesis that dogs don’t exist and are the figment of human imagination.

Themes across the work argue that the dog-based (woof) delusions lead to excessive walkies that can promote arthritis and other lamentable conditions. Does the work stand up to scrutiny? Let’s explore this topic.

The Dog Delusion: When One Bark is a Woof Too Many

“I cannot know for certain but I think dogs are very improbable and I live my life on the assumption that they are not there.”

This book is thought of as the magnum opus of British conspiracy theorist Lord Archibald Windfellow III. He’s a noted sceptic on many things and has written books about topics such as:

Space exploration being the invention of Marxists
The improbability of gravity
The importance of removing crusts from sandwiches
The Moon landings proved the Moon is made from cheese

Yet it’s in The Dog Delusion where Lord Windfellow III is at his most adroit, erudite, and baffling. As he posits early in his 300,000 page work:

“There is no reason to regard dogs as immune from consideration along the spectrum of probabilities. And there is certainly no reason to suppose that, just because dogs can be neither proved nor disproved, their probability of existence is 50 per cent.”

It’s worth exploring his reasoning further, whilst noting he often doesn’t rely on any real evidence. And quite a few of his claims appear to be pulled straight from his butt.

The Case For Why Dogs Are a Figment of the Human Imagination

Lord Windfellow III’s argument against the existence of dogs is presented in 37 parts. As he explains in his 35 page introduction:

“One of the reasons to turn it into a 37 part argument is due to the voluminous abundance of evidence that dogs do not exist. Also, and let’s just keep this between you and me, by splitting it up this way it makes me look sagacious and capable of handling a topic as momentous as this (whilst also dangling a carrot to anyone looking to follow a coherent argument to follow across the course of this masterpiece).”

Some of the arguments include that dogs:

Aren’t real
Never have been real
The ones you see in the street (or frolicking in a field) are either:
- Robots
- Cats dressed up to be dogs
- Hallucinations
There are no known written records of dogs
The known written records of dogs are fictional

On many occasions, Scooby Doo is used to back up the writer’s stance. He claims that the lack of existence of Scooby Doo is definitive proof that dogs aren’t real.

He then uses Gödel’s ontological proof as a formal argument, backed up by Scooby Doo, to showcase the non-existence of dogs (whilst also proving the existence of God in the process).

It’s a momentous work and it’s surprising there hasn’t been more praise for The Dog Delusion for finally proving the existence of a deity (whilst also proving dogs to be nothing more THAN A BOLD FACED LIE!).

Lord Windfellow III concludes the work by stipulating society’s dog-based delusion is leading to a mass of wasted time of imaginary walkies. During this time people are getting a bit muddy, having a fall and getting a sprained ankle, and gradually developing artiritis.

He argues it’d be far more worthwhile to do away with such delusions and send people off into a war for a reality check.