Poldark stars a hot bloke called Aidan Turner. Poldork stars a not-hot-bloke called Aidan Not-Hot Bloke. The series launched in 2020 and is famous for starring an ugly lead actor.
The ugly lead actor led to accusations of photosynthesis from naysayers, but the show is pretty good (if you switch your brain off). Ready to be on half brain mode? Dork it up a notch.
A Walking BO Hazard in Poldork
To master the Cornish coast of England, a hero doesn’t need a six-pack or rugged jawline. A wife beater vest stained with bacon drippings and beer will suffice, as will a bald cranium and beer belly.
That is the show of Poldork. With a £50 million budget from the BBC (which some caustic observers have called a travesty of wasted funds), this re-imagining of Winston Graham’s novel is all about BO and bloated incompetence.
Set in 1983, Private Bob Poldork returns from the Falklands war and sets up home in Cornwall. He finds his family don’t want to speak to him, his wife has left him for someone less ugly, and by gawd Bob Poldork vows to rebuild his life.
In the 2015 series, Aidan Turner sports an iconic scar on his face. For Poldork, lead actor Cate Blanchett (in heavy costume/makeup disguise for the role) sports varicose veins and a blotchy, big red nose.
Thus, the series is set to be an okay one.
Blanchett acts the life out of the role, but a stale script set around Bob working in a fish & chips establishment fails to result in pulse-pounding plot lines. Instead, the series was panned by critics for succumbing to endless scenes of Bob frying fish, chips, and asking customers if they want gravy with that.
Cate Blanchett’s method acting then takes over.
Her bewildering commitment to portray the most repulsive man on television is a tour de stench (pun intended). Then one weekend, replicating the famous open field scything topless scene from Poldark, Bob decides to mow the lawn. He gets his kit off, beer belly wobbling all over the place, and is reported to the police by outraged neighbours.
Whilst in jail, the on-site doctor discovers that Poldork has jaundice and irritable bowel syndrome. He’s released from jail early to spare his fellow inmates. This episode, the last in the series, was panned by critics for being “stupid” and “making no sense”.
Cate Blanchett responded to the show’s negativity by getting a plane back to her native Australia.
Public Demands to Reveal the £50 Million Budget
One of the big fallouts from the show was the use of its £50 million budget, all funded by taxpayers with a BBC licence, with the confusion over where the money was spent. The BBC issued the following statement on 1st January 2021:
“Shut up. It’s none of your business.”
The tone was so abrupt and unusually aggressive from the BBC, it effectively silenced 70% of complainants. However, the remaining 30% was so outraged they stormed London and went on a 13-day city-wide riot.
It resulted in over £300 million in damages, which was dubbed by the angry mob as “revenge” for the wasted £50 million. Indeed. That money could have gone on making another series of Porridge (or something).
