If you want to have a RAZOR SHARP EDGE in your piano lessons, book in today with ME!!! I am Henry the psychotic pianist. I’ve been playing the piano with demented rage for 30 years!
Fear not, the police know all about me and I’m under 24/7 surveillance.
Kindly, they allow me to earn a living by running a small piano lessons business. This is it! Book in today, each lesson is an hour long and is replete with endless fits of diabolical laughter as presided over by my burly security guard Keith.
Become a Psychotic Pianist With the Help of Henry
Hi there! Henry here. So you’ve decided to learn how to play the piano. That’s very noble of you. So noble, in fact, it makes me went to pelt my fist in a rage into my nearest wall over, and over, and over, and over again.
But I shan’t. Otherwise I won’t be able to play the piano!
My qualifications are unmatchable in the Bolton of Greater Manchester (Lancashire, sort of) region:
- C in music at GCSE level
- Schooled in basic Beethoven, Chopin, Mozart, and can play Chopsticks on command
- Very violent person with an inability to control my rage
- 10 years in prison total spent for various petty and violent crimes
If you’re worried I may be too dangerous to be around, rest assured—I’m encased in a straightjacket and can do you no harm. I’ve also got one of those Hannibal Lecter masks over my face, ensuring I can’t bite, snarl, or spit at you as you learn.
I can, however, still bellow abuse and deranged delusions at you in the most disturbing fashion you’ve likely ever seen. That bit is all free of charge, no extra for that bit.
Keith the Security Guard’s Ringing Endorsement
Keith has been assigned to me by the state to ensure I don’t do anything such as, say, detonate a stockpile of Semtex in my oven. Keith is a great guy! Here’s a message from him, to you:
“While I recommend you send you get piano lessons elsewhere because Henry is severely unstable, he is the cheapest piano teacher in town. If you’re on a budget, this dribbling madman is your man.”
There you have it! BUT THERE YOU DON’T HAVE IT! For here are more testimonials from my MANY non-decapitated piano playing customers!
Testimonials From Those Whom Survived Piano Lessons With a Certified Lunatic
“This was mental. I arrived and he was soaked in blood, screaming, and wielding a daffodil in one hand and a potato in the other. Turns out it wasn’t blood, just ketchup, and his security guard said I’d be fine. I ran. Not ashamed to admit it. I legged it one down the street and wet myself as I did so. No regrets, except I didn’t get my money back…” Customer wishes to remain anonymous
“Jesus H Christ! How is this a legal business!? The guy is insane! The piano lesson was excellent, sure, but his wielding of a bazooka, and discharging the aforementioned bazooka at his security guard (Keith), whom then rugby tackled Henry down to the ground, all with a lot of screaming and mayhem… well, I’m not going back for a third lesson. Two was enough with this lunatic! I learned Chopsticks and that’s one of my bucket list goals ticked off.” Customer wishes to remain anonymous
“The lessons were ok but IT WAS NOT OKAY that this madman took a swipe at my neck with a samurai sword. It is not worth learning the basics of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata if my head is off. NEVER AGAIN!” Customer wishes to remain anonymous
“I took my youngest son (34) for lessons and we arrived and the guy was standing on the roof of his home braying like a donkey. I decided my son would be better served learning martial arts and, thus, he has taken that up instead. Thank you, Henry, that was an important life lesson.” Customer wishes to remain anonymous
