I begin my first post for Professional Moron with a brief overview of my activities this last week – February 12th-19th.
I should indicate I work as a writer and researcher for a small company in Manchester. I will not be advertising the website on this here blog of mine as I want traffic to stay with Professional Moron like a large vat of honey sticking to an igloo. So whilst you make merry with that simile here are the most exciting things that happened to me;
1. I got stuck in my flat. The lock jammed and I had to come up with a way of getting out so I could get to work. Now I don’t usually cope well in a crisis such as this. I have been known to be reduced to extreme bursts of psychotic violence when my ballpoint pen lids get lost. I also often curl up in a ball and cry for several hours in sheer love, adulation and joy for The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Still, the FSM was not going to be helping me with this jammed lock! He may be omnipotent but my troubles are superfluous to other people’s more pressing issues – such as when those Subway Sandwich branches run out of a specific type of bread and have to dash into the “back” to get some more. My situation was kind of like that but not as severe. Regardless, my mind was not on food. I pondered for some time how I could go about extracting myself from my premises (I live in a flat, on the fourth floor, so any attempt at jumping would have lead to a very sudden end) and eventually decided to set fire to my door. This did not go according to plan.
2. Once the police and fire brigade had finished questioning me I was released on to work duties. I won’t be discussing my job much here as this blog allows me to rant in a way my working life does not allow me to. It is a blessed relief; I can wax lyrical about The Flying Spaghetti Monster, construct interesting debates, run polls, write extensively about cheese. Surely the most constructive thing any human being can do in modern life is to write about cheese? Cheese was invented by The Flying Spaghetti Monster around 45 billion years ago, but had to wait 44.99 billion years until human beings were created by its (the FSM is neither male nor female) omnipotenceness. By this point it had gotten rather mouldy, so a new batch had to be made. Since then cheese has become renowned for its medicinal qualities such as making skinny people fat, fat people obese, and hungry people not hungry.
3. I have been debating whether or not to purchase a new mobile phone. Now I have a bad history with these things; losses, breakages, general disinterest in them. It seems to me most people these days are so infatuated with their mobiles that they could not live without them. Indeed, the first thing most people do when away from non-mobile based activities is to get on their mobile and arbitrarily look through FriendFace, Twirp about how much they love Swagger Jagger, or text someone about why they will be 3 minutes later than they initially indicated. So, to cut a short story long, I hereby declare 2 years ago I purchased the cheapest mobile I could – it was £2.50. This little beast has worked fine since then, and even boasts an FM radio. BUT! It is time to update. My work demands it, and I am a slave to my work, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the voice in my head telling me to invent a new type of washing machine called the Moshing Machine. It would blast out music for moshers/emo/headbangers in general to “mosh” to whilst they wash the vomit off their stinking, BO ridden clothes.
4. Erm… oh yes, and I created Professional Moron! Now I will be drawing some random images to go with this on Paint, but I need to go to the shop to purchase some AAA batteries for my wireless mouse. For you see, I can’t verily draw well with the strange rectangular touch pad you get with laptops. Whoever thought these things suffice for decent screen movement? It’s a bloody disgrace!
Have a good week everyone, and check back if you desire further access into my brain.