Here at Professional Moron we are devout followers of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, the pasta and meatballs based being who created the Universe and everything in it.
Of course we don’t have any evidence to back any of these remarkable claims, but since when has this ever stopped any organised religion?!
Flying Spaghetti Monster
Yes, believing in the FSM is a peaceful belief, we only stress the need to force non-believers to eat endless buckets of KFC until they are so morbidly obese they decide to switch to pasta to lose weight, and thusly (and lo) they will see the true meaning of existence.
To mindlessly worship our invisible deity. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, like most omnipotent beings, hasn’t ever actually been seen by anyone, but there’s an overwhelming amount of sightings to prove its existence.
Indeed, our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster yesterday spoke to Mr. Wapojif in his dream. She said, “I saw the pasta god!” And, lo, t’was but a great moment for him upon waking. He immediately alighted from bed and boiled seventeen packets of spaghetti to hand out to the people of Manchester.
This didn’t go down as well as initially expected, as many of the Mancs were hungover, violent, and more interested in beating Mr. Wapojif with kebabs.
We shall now state the most important commandment as part of the FSM code of conduct; one must eat pasta every day of the week or spend eternity boiling in a cooking pot on an electric cooker (the ultimate disgrace for non-Pastafarians – we all know gas cookers are the true cooking technique for pasta).
Indeed, adhere to this rule and you will get to eat Mascaprone and Penne for all eternity – without so much as gaining a pound! Hurrah? Huzzah!
Furthermore, the FSM is a generous invisible deity and rewards believers with gifts, such as Subway Sandwich cards with all the stamps stamped. Hurrah! Have a glorious (and non-blasphemous) week, dear readers!
Okay, so the FSM is a timely mockery of organised religion as a whole. Richard Dawkins (of The God Delusion and various biological works fame) remains keen to point out its significance. The above video helps explain his viewpoint.
Generally, we think it falls on deaf ears for people who are religious. And that’s fair enough. But as a satirical creation, we think the monster really hits the nail on the head.