10 Ace Jobs That Don’t Exist—But Should

We're hiring sign for new jobs on a darkened alley — Excellent!

We all work, most of us anyway. People who don’t work? Retired people, the unemployed, and chavs.

The latter here, the chavs (I want to be very clear on that – it’s the chavs), are basically unemployable anyway. And why? As they’re so mind crushingly stupid and unfit for society. That’s why.

The rest of us with an IQ above 15 do work, though, and we all pursue varying careers and what have you to earn money.

With that money we then purchase interesting shampoos, lipstick, mobile phone top ups, fake tan, and marmalade.

There’s nothing better than sitting around on a Saturday with freshly washed hair (with that weird tea tree Mint shampoo that makes your scalp feel like it’s on fire) whilst eating marmalade and enjoying your fake tan. Nothing better at all. Except cheese, but that’s a given.

The Amazing Jobs That Don’t Exist

So what jobs would we at Professional Moron like to see become available? Find out below.

10. Haggis Chef

A chef specialising in the myriad of wonderful ways you could make haggis into an amazing meal. The restaurant itself would be called McHaggis, and you would be able to purchase haggis burgers, haggis fries, haggis pop tarts, and plain old haggis.

9. Animal Interpreter

Animals make some weird noises alright, and as humans can’t speak animal we don’t have any idea what they’re going on about.

So what better job than to be able to translate to more ignorant humans what a moo cow is saying to you? I could imagine the following scene occurring across the globe regularly:

Cow: “Moo!”
Ignorant Dunce: “What did she say?”
Translator: “She said, ‘I like eating grass!’”
Now less ignorant dunce: “Who’d have thunk it?”

8. Cheese Inventor

Cheese is mouldy and stale milk. We’d quite happily hang around watching milk turn into cheese.

Our ultimate goal would be to make a super cheese that towers 20ft into the air and stinks so bad you need a face mask to go near it!

7. Eyebrow Monitor

Monitoring the staff of any business is a vital duty, particularly if everyone has eyebrows that are getting a bit wild! Even worse, what if someone has a monobrow? Maintaining this with an iron fist is an excellent job.

6. Pointy Person

Whenever someone is pointing at something you tend to look.

This is a great advertising technique! Employ a large amount of people to stand outside your shop pointing at it! Guaranteed sales boost!

5. Innocuous City Tour Guide

Tour guides already exist, but why not take your unwitting followers to insipid destinations such as dustbins and patches of grass. As it’s innocuous no one can complain!

4. Shed Inventor

Inventing sheds would be a brilliant job. We’re not on about the standard design, but weird and wonderful 50ft shed skyscrapers or shed boats. The possibilities are endless!

3. Website Namer

There are so many websites popping up each day someone has to invent new names for them. All the normal stuff is gone, so you have to be as weird and wonderful as possible.

Here’s a tip—combine two disparate items together and mash them into one! E.g. CheeseShed, DiscMagnet, ToasterHedge, SpinachMarble.

2. Mr/Mrs. Belligerent

We’ve all had a tedious boss drunk on power who thinks he/she is the bee’s knees.

They prowl in making unreasonable demands and stalk off feeling mighty proud of themselves. There is a reason for this – it is called “lack of intelligence”.

Anyway, here at Professional Moron we bet it’s a fun job, but it just needs a new title.

As a Mr. or Mrs. Belligerence your job is to go into whichever workplace is required and wander about making pointless observations and generally inform everyone how terrible at their job they are. Sorted!