At Professional Moron we’re all about enjoying new experiences. Just last week, Truman Trumanson went to McDonalds for the very first time. He was in a coma for several days, couldn’t remember any of the event at all, but had this to say; “I will not be eating at McDonalds ever again!” Not all of us are narrow minded wimps like him. Some of us enjoy new experiences. Indeed, some of us actually seek them out! I switched shampoo brands recently and love my new lemon zest smell! It’s brilliant! Why, I was sitting on the bus just this morning and someone commented, “Fuckin’ ‘ell! Can you smell…. what’s that shit called? Melons?” To which his friend sort of grunted. It was a jolly scene. So enough mindless rambling as it is time to get to the nitty gritty of this blog post – the actual point of my, Mr. Wapojif, writing at you as I have been all week. Here we go! Ten totally amazing things you could, like, totally do this weekend for a laugh.
10 – Lie in bed all weekend –Try and gain as many festering bed sores as possible by going on a marathon 48+ hour bed spree.
9 – Attempt to read The Sun without vomiting blood – A tricky one as The Sun really is dreadful. Give it a whirl, though, if you’re a brave one!
8 – Try and get excited about the London 2012 Olympics – This is fairly difficult to achieve but can probably be best approached by consuming half a litre of Vodka. Mission accomplished.
7 – Eat seventeen Big Macs in six hours – Go for a Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock, Handlebar Moustache macho/feminine pride thing and eat SEVENTEEN of the buggers within 6 (six) hours!
6 – Try and climb the side of your house/someone’s house with a bucket and spade – There’s nothing like a bit of mountaineering at the weekend, but you do have to go a long way to find a decent hill to climb. Scotland, usually. So, sod it, stay local and climb your/a neighbour’s house with a bucket and spade. Why these items? So you can make a sand castle when you get to the roof!
5 – Drive a bicycle into your nearest pond/canal/river – Let’s admit it – falling over is hilarious. Falling over into water is almost as good as that. Driving a bike into water with people watching on bemused is one of the best things ever! Do it for a laugh.
4 – Fall over in a supermarket – Although point 5 almost got there, this one tops the falling over world. Falling over in a crowded supermarket has to be the most stupid and hilarious thing you can do in a supermarket. Super!
3 – Refuse to pay for your meal in a restaurant – Cause a scene in your local restaurant! Only pay when the police arrive.
2 – Pick your nose openly in front of a crowd of strangers – Enjoy the reactions of disgust as your dislodge something gross from one of your nostrils.
1 – Report yourself to the police for stealing a Bath Bomb from those chain stores called Lush – Cautiously hand over the bath bomb and apologise for your psychotic behaviour. You will likely be reprimanded for this – place this police warning on your CV and be proud!