We have officially received the news from Head Elf Bill that Father Christmas has lost his marbles. However, one of his plucky elves found them stashed in his drinks cabinet and so, reluctantly, Santa has dried himself off the booze so that he may lead a more active, marble playing existence. As such his column this week is far more coherent than the volatile rants he had previously sent us, and so we place this change squarely on Mrs. Santa Claus, who sent us this nice letter:
“Father Christmas has switched to brandy rather than his specially made 70% Whiskey. His GP has explained to him that the wild hallucinations, voices in his head, belief that he was the living incarnation of Batman and Robin, refusal to eat anything except boiled cabbage, berserk paranoia, chronic shaking, and manic jabbering were all due to the brand of Whiskey he was drinking. His switch to the mellow brandy has dramatically altered his behaviour. He no longer believes or does any of the aforementioned, and he has also regained some of his humour. For instance, just yesterday he cuffed Head Elf Bill around the head and bellowed, ‘Yo ho ho, Head Elf Bill! Yo ho ho! Fetch me some 70% proof Whiskey again so that I can get your ugly mug out of my sight! Yo ho ho! I’d rather be hallucinating about the giant swooping bats again!’ It is true that Head Elf Bill is not much of a looker, but it was a nice joke all the same. He does, however, remain weak, so he will only be writing a brief column this week.
Yours sincerely, Mrs. Father Christmas. x”
Santa – we salute you! Here is this week’s article in full. It is indeed truncated when compared to normal, but it is also wholly coherent and lacking the belligerent, profane insanity of his two previous pieces. Welcome back, Santa!
Yo ho ho, Professional Moron readers! I apologise for my overall oddness over the last few weeks. My GP said I had been drinking too much drink, so I have cut back. Now everything makes quite a bit more sense. Indeed, I have started using words like “indeed” again, and bellowing “yo ho ho!” for no apparent reason. Just like old days.
All the best, Santa.
P.S. I have decided to demote Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer to “4th in Command” behind my lesser known reindeer. This is due to his callous drunken behaviour, chaotic nature, and misogynistic ranting. He will have to earn his place as Head Reindeer from now on, and will not be receiving any favourable mince pies, carrots, or whiskey. His replacements, in chain of command, are:
- John the Gammy Legged Reindeer,
- Steve the Tennis Elbow Suffering Reindeer and,
- Mike The Migraine Struck Reindeer.
There are others whom you may not know, such as Terry the Tuberculosis Reindeer, Susan the Sadistic Reindeer, Lucy the Large Reindeer (she’s 25 stone), and Barry the Belligerent Reindeer. They’re a lively bunch!