Shampoo is this stuff which sits in ikkle wikkle plastic tubs on a shelf in your shower, or some other shelf in your bathroom.

You may even store some of it elsewhere in your home, like some deranged oddball. What the stuff is for is to make your hair more shiny and manageable. It is a gloriously fantabulous invention—a shining example of what makes hairdos so great.

It froths up a storm, stings like nettles if you get it in your eyes, and if you drink it you can enjoy a fabulous, all expenses paid trip to Accident and Emergency to have your stomach pumped. Ambulances, eh? Marvellous!

Admit it, though, you’ve never thought about it. Shampoo, that is. The word. The thing you’ve stared at so many, many, many, many times.

The item on your shopping list which has made you go, “Crap! I forgot to buy shampoo!” This forgetfulness, and profanity, was born out of scatological thinking. For, you see, shampoo has poo in it. And we all know what poo is.

Now we’re a mature blog with a mature audience who can deal with mature subjects. Yet there is no point hiding from the truth.

Look at those five syallables: sham-poo. We presume the “sham” refers to “shambles”, as we believe shampoo making pioneers used to use semtex as a gloopy liquid. This backfired, rather literally!!

These days shampoo is pretty safe. It doesn’t even have any poo in it, yet manufacturers coyly ignore this startling aspect to their products.

You’d think some brand would woman up and make a joke about it, taking a fun angle on their tired formula. “Poopy Shampoo: The Shampoo Which Most Certainly DOESN’T Have Poo In It!” Professional Moron would buy it.

So would you, ladies and gentleman. And why? As deep down we’re all five year olds who would prefer to sit around eating donuts and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, rather than discuss literature or make witty asides on current affairs.

This is the fatuous truth of the day. Innit.