Baked Beans: Some Stupid False Facts

Baked beans
Here are some baked beans.

Pretty much everybody loves baked beans. They’re easy to “cook”, easy to eat, reasonably easy to digest, and are sort of healthy for you. Great, eh?

So we have decided to write a fact based article about this traditional hearty food. Because why the hell not?

False Baked Beans Facts

Thanks to Mr. Biffo of Digitiser for that Beanus video. Good stuff!

Let’s face it—even The Queen has had beans on toast at some stage in her life. And even though she may consider Baked Beans vacuous, they’d not have been created by The Flying Spaghetti Monster had they not served some sort of purpose to humanity.

Now, first of all, it is important to note that when you’re eating Baked Beans you have to get every bean out of the tin/carton/whatever.

Every bean must fulfill its destiny. They are a good vegetable (we once had a housemate (we’re university educated at Professional Moron) who could not understand that beans were vegetables from the ground.

He seemed quite sincere about this, there was no facetious silliness involved, he was just a bit dumb) and can be used in many foods. Here are some simple recipes:

  1. Beans on Toast: Hearty and traditional. Tasty and comforting. Amusing and easy. Beans on Toast is the staple diet for any student/unemployed person/lazy bugger.
  2. Eggs and Beans: You can scramble the eggs, or poach them, or fry them. Whatever you do to the poor bastards you can have beans with them. You can even have Beans on Toast with Eggs. The mind BOGGLES!
  3. Beans: You can just eat beans out of the tin if you’re feeling lazy.
  4. Beans and Ham: Probably not for everyone but for some reason we can’t see this being too bad.
  5. Beans and Spam: Pushing the Baked Beans boat out of the harbour a bit here, but , again, this would be an acceptable meal. Try it with the Spammock for an extra laugh.
  6. Beans and Jam: This wouldn’t work, but if you’re really drunk give it a go.
  7. Caviar and Beans: You read that correctly. Give it a whirl!
  8. Lobster and Beans: Probably best not to do this.
  9. Haggis and Beans: This would probably be pretty good!
  10. Beans: You know. Beans in general. With Marmite.

Our very own Mr. Wapojif used to work in JD Wetherspoon Ltd. pubs and was annoyed to find regular morons claiming they were “allergic” to tomatoes—this actually meant they were just fussy eaters.

Not that they could admit this, they insisted the fried tomato (the only really healthy thing with a full English breakfast) had to be removed as they were allergic.

Of course, they still wanted the baked beans and ate them heartily! Baked Beans being in a tomato based sauce, of course. Fussy eaters are annoying dunces.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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