Mr. Wapojif is currently being detained by the police for further questioning, so I, Truman Trumanson, have taken over the full reigns of Professional Moron for the ever important Saturday post. I immediately decided we should take things to a more sophisticated level, as under Mr. Wapojif’s leadership we are usually forced to write about disgusting things such as horrible looking sandwiches, shelves, tinned pork brains, and other such repulsive items.
So, we’re getting a make-over! Out go the oddball pieces, in are primetime current affairs exclusives, amongst other things. So today we’re focusing on Boris Johnson’s successful defence of his Mayor of London badge, fending off Ken Livingstone. It was also the local Salford elections on the 3rd so we’re going to combine the two into a sort of nationwide “Wish List” of what we’d like to see happen in England. Outstanding, sir!
What we hope Boris (and others) adds to his political manifesto:
1. Free cheese sandwiches at every bus stop in London – We don’t live in London, but many of our friends do so it would please us mightily knowing that they had access to a hearty cheese sandwich at every bus stop. Actually, this is something we might just petition for in Manchester (where we live) so that there might be a nationwide sweep towards free cheese sandwiches at every bus stop. Super.
2. No singing on public transport – On Friday Mr. Wapojif had to endure an acne ridden chav demonstrating his rapping “abilities” on the hour long bus journey home after a full day of work. This needs to be outlawed immediately. Rap should, in fact, be obliterated from human existence entirely. It is not a music form and it should not be tolerated by intelligent, independently thinking people.
3. Please stop Mormons trying to convert us – Mr. Wapojif, whilst having to endure the aforementioned aspiring rapper, was targeted by a Mormon who sat next to him and engaged in mindless conversation. Inevitably this lead to the usual religious conversion techniques. Such public attempts to convert people’s way of thinking should be outlawed and/or saved for The Sun “tabloid” (it’s actually a comic book for morons). Whilst we’re on the subject, can we also please have removed that guy with the microphone who stands around in Piccadilly Gardens telling us we’re all going to hell? That would be nice!
4. A thorough leaflet guide for all offices across the country explaining why coffee isn’t much of a health benefit and herbal teas and green teas etc. are actually great and really good for you and not at all girly or “disgusting” – We’re sick of people calling out precious herbal teas “disgusting”. What, just because you’ve not tried it and it’s a different colour from that processed, harsh stuff you normally jam down your throat? Will you try it and see if it’s any good? Nope? Is it due to your being a narrow minded dunce? Of course it’s not.
5. More British films with Tilda Swinton in, please – And why not? She’s great in everything she’s in. Can this woman actually act bad, ever? I bet she’d even be great in a McDonalds commercial!
6. Ban something for the hell of it – Everyone loves it when something gets banned. For instance, if strawberry ice cream was banned across the nation, except for a little village in Oxford, you could guarantee that village’s sales would boom rapidly! This is a great way of boosting the economy! Strawberry ice cream all the way! In the widespread dismay of the annoncement, panic buying would follow. If there’s one thing the British are good at it’s panic buying in wild confusion. It would also be an excellent time to bury some bad news, such as; “Next week we’re out of cheese.”