Film Review: We Need To Talk About Kevin

 

**WARNING: HERE BE SPOILERS**

So we watched this film just now and it got us thinking. Well, no it didn’t. It just made us go, “Ahhh! A morbid, existential piece of glory!” Here at Professional Moron we’d give it 4/5, and that’s not just because the lovely Tilda Swinton’s in it a lot. No! It’s massively bleak, takes forever to build to the fairly obvious ending, and has stupid music. On the plus side; it’s enjoyable viewing and will make you think deep thoughts. Not that it did with us, though.

What it did make us think of is the sequel they should do to the film. Not to give too much away but Kevbo doesn’t cop it. He does slaughter a fair few people but he just ends up in jail chewing his nails off (there is actually a scene where he systematically chews his nails off). So what type of thing could they do with this film? Take it up market and make it more mainstream, or take it underground even further like The Human Centipede II (which we haven’t seen yet). Here are some great ideas!

———-

There’s Something About Kevin – Similar to the much loved 1998 quirky romantic comedy where airhead Cameron Diaz got to do her “thing”. Her “thing” just usually involves grinning like a psychopath. Anyway, in this version Kevin becomes the love object of Ben Stiller, Lee Evans and co.

The Last Kevin – A play of The Last of the Mohicans, The Last Samurai etc. In this version Kevin is the last Kevin in the world and must fight to have a woman give birth to his child, which he will call Kevin. There are some plot issues, such as being able to change your name to Kevin whenever you want through deed poll. This is what I call “artistic license”.

The Shawshank Kevin – Kevin breaks out of jail using his bow and arrow! Morgan Freeman would reprise his role as Red and provide the voiceover.

The Madness of Kevin – Kevin loses it big time and Ian Holm’s Dr. Willis is drafted in to “fix” him with all manner of restraint and psychological deviances.

Kevin – Just “Kevin”, really. It could sit there watching him in his cell as he gradually ages over the course of an hour.

No Country For Old Kevin – Kevin goes on a psycho rampage with a weird shotgun thing and an even weirder air compression unit. It could work. It could not.

We Need To Talk About Kevin 2 – The obvious choice, I suppose. But then we’re not at all about obvious here at Professional Moron.

Tales of The Fluffy Bunny Rabbit Kevin – Take the film towards a more lightweight arena; children’s entertainment! Popcorn at the ready as Kevin goes good and gets into all sorts of capers at the maximum security prison where he resides; peeling potatoes, dropping the soap, being told when to defecate, it’s going to be a barrel of laughs!

The Silence of The Kevin – Kevin goes all nuts about lambs and all that. And why not? Lambs are scary wee things that bleat in the most irritating fashion. Kevin sorts them out in this B-movie.

Dude, Where’s My Kevin? – A straight to DVD outing here! Kevin’s mates have lost Kevin and have to find him through any means relevant to the plot (i.e. gross stupidity).

The Hungover Part III – I fail to see why this can’t all be about Kevin. It would be great! Maybe.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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