Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband stinks of garlic!”

A garlic clove
The legend of garlic.

The general stench of the human male is oft a topic on the Professional Moron agony aunt column.

From a human male’s foul smelling bath towel to a husband’s bad breath, the modern human female has a lot of stench to contend with.

And if it’s all exacerbated by a love for raw garlic… where do you draw the line? At divorce? A beheading? War?! Let’s find out!

How to Control Your Garlic Loving Husband

Dear agony aunt. I do apologise if the stench of this email I send you leads to bouts of nausea. That's just my husband, Ron, who really likes garlic and eats too much of it. The smell wafts about my house like you wouldn't believe.

The body odour and poor bathroom hygiene (he never uses the bog brush) I can live with.

But his recent lust for garlic is driving me mad! He goes through these eating phases. The garlic one has dragged on for six months. Half a year!

"Good morning, my beautiful darling!" He croons at me in bed when we wake up together. I can never respond. Why? Because I'm fit to puke! Retching and gagging, yet all he does is give me this funny look like there's something wrong with me.

Something wrong with me! He's the one there, in bed, munching on raw garlic cloves just before going to bed. What's the matter with him!?

First thing in the morning, too, he's added garlic cloves to his black coffee. Then he has several cigarettes. Then he'll often have a boiled egg and some more garlic. His breath is like standing near a volcanic eruption, you're forcibly pushed back. 

Even the sweetest of sentiments is suddenly rendered a putrid experience. "I love you, darling!" He'll whisper in my ear casually when we're out shopping. The next thing is I'm bent over in front of all the other shoppers with whooping cough and retching. 

He thinks I've got some illness so he sent me off to see a doctor. He diagnosed chronic stress and gave me some prozac. I wasn't arguing with that, it takes the edge off the garlic stench. 

The worst thing, though? Dinner parties. We can't have them anymore! The friends no longer want to come. It's always excuses. "Oh, there's been a death in the family" or some such. My friend Janine has had 12 recent deaths in her family. Either that's one vulnerable family or Ron's garlic obsession is ruining all of this! 

And why? Well, last time he served a starter of garlic bread with garlic soup. Then it was a main of garlic butter shrimps, frog's legs in garlic sauce, with a side dish of garlic rice. 

For dessert? Garlic ice cream. 

The stench of garlic was so severe we all lost consciousness. When I came to I was being wheeled at sprinting pace from my home on a stretcher. Before being stuffed into an ambulance, I just had time to make out a helicopter zooming overhead, armed soldiers storming my house, reporters yelling questions, and the whole house cordoned off by local law enforcement. 

No wonder the others don't want to visit again. So how... how do I stop my husband's garlic addiction? Thank you, Linda.

Hi Linda! Marriage is often about establishing important boundaries, such as agreeing who does the dishes and puts the bins out.

Causing a national crisis due to a garlic infatuation? That’s definitely breaching a boundary.

Our solution for you? Grease. No, not the 1978 film starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John!

We mean the thick oily substance that’s really slippery. Get some grease (you can buy it in vats of 500g or more) and smear it all over your husband’s garlic collection.

Thusly, the next time he tries to pick up any garlic his efforts will be thwarted.

In time, he’ll have to switch his attentions to other foodstuffs that aren’t so foul-smelling. Problem solved!

2 comments

Dispense with some gibberish!

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