How to Give a Boring Speech

Conference for a speech
Riveting stuff.

Mr. Wapojif requisitioned me to write this piece today as he has gone to bed early complaining of “bloody corporate tedium.” He really is a one, isn’t he? Git.

The reason for his wild mood swing is due to our attendance of a conference style event thing for work specialists in our working arena.

So we turned up all clean shaven and spick and span only to endure nine solid hours of mind-crushing boredom.

Just quite how do some people make presentations so boring? We now know, so we provide you below with the ultimate…

How to do a Boring Presentation or Speech

First of all, take inspiration from The Flying Spaghetti Monster. This will help you considerably in your mission.

And you must also remember a presentation is kind of like an office meeting, but not really. Although kind of yes.

The real key to doing a boring presentation is to be an incredibly boring person to begin with.

If you are cursed with a terrible affliction which makes you reasonably entertaining then you need to break free from this curse!

Take to watching X-Factor and re-runs of Big Brother (of George Orwell Nineteen Eighty-Four fame), and also make it your life’s goal to read The Daily Mail or The Sun every day.

This will make you increasingly idiotic and you will soon become immensely boring in the process. Now it is time to give that speech!

Once you’re up on stage you have to follow a few fundamental procedures.

It is imperative you warble on throughout all of your speech in a monotonous tone, never stressing any words even if you reach a part of your piece that would normally be considered fun.

Pause for extended periods of time whilst shuffling through your papers, and cough in a wheezing, hugely irritating and disgusting way at five-minute intervals.

After around 40 minutes everyone unfortunate enough to be in the audience will be getting very annoyed.

If your speech/presentation is scheduled for an hour completely disregard this and let it run for an additional twenty minutes or so.

By the end of your performance, it is time to ask the audience, by now ready and waiting for a quick death, if they wish to ask you any questions. The majority will just want to get the hell out of there, but many will be too polite to leave.

Some will already be on their way out of the door. Others, in true eager beaver fashion, will actually have found your presentation thrilling and will ask you ridiculously convoluted questions.

Smile knowingly and nod your head whilst they talk, and then drone on in a verbose explanation that no one else in the audience gives a single toss about.

Congratulations—you have perfected the boring speech/presentation!

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