The Brilliance of Google Translate

This does not translate as; “Super wicked groovy ace!”

The brilliance of Google translate is that you can now pretend, even on a fundamental level, to be verging on genius with your language abilities. Ho, yes. Mae disgleirdeb Google gyfieithu yw y gallwch nawr esgus, hyd yn oed ar lefel sylfaenol, i’w ymylu ar athrylith gyda eich galluoedd iaith. And that’s exactly the same as the first sentence except it’s in Welsh. Do any of us at Professional Moron speak Welsh? No. Do any of us want to? No. However, it kind of proves our point. Or does it? We have found, on numerous occasions, that when you re-translate the translation back into the language you hadn’t yet translated from (that makes sense to us!) then the translation comes out as a bit of an unsordid mess that people in the intended language simply can’t understand. This isn’t exactly the biggest disaster ever, but all the same we have taken the precaution to test some fundamental phrases that should help you in certain foreign countries. Rest assured, your holiday will now go like a holiday of perfection!


This diagram helpfully indicates how to translate what your brain is saying into something more appropriate

1. Excuse me, sir! I do not have the capacity to comprehend where I should travel to to relieve myself of bodily functions I would rather not discuss with you, thank you very much. In German: Entschuldigen Sie, Sir! Ich weiß nicht über die Fähigkeit zu verstehen, wo ich reisen sollte, um mich von körperlichen Funktionen zu entlasten möchte ich lieber nicht mit Ihnen besprechen, ich danke Ihnen sehr.

Re-Translation: Excuse me, sir! I do not understand about the ability to travel where should I have to do to relieve bodily functions, I’d rather not discuss with you, thank you very much. Conclusion: Well I think if you said this to a German person you’d almost certainly get a “Was?”

2. I beg pardon but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Is it really true? Has Genghis Khan been resurrected by the ghost of Lenin, and is at this moment stampeding across the plains of Bolton with an army of undead zombie donkeys? In French: Je vous demande pardon, mais je ne pouvais pas m’empêcher d’entendre votre conversation. Est-il vrai? Est-ce que Gengis Khan été ressuscité par le fantôme de Lénine, et à ce moment débandade à travers les plaines de Bolton avec une armée de morts-vivants ânes zombies?

Re-translation: I beg your pardon, but I could not help overhearing your conversation. Is it true? Did Genghis Khan was resurrected by the ghost of Lenin, and at that time stampede across the plains of Bolton with an army of undead zombies asses? Conclusion: This goes pretty well until the final word. Very few British people would be able to contain themselves with mentioning that word.

3. I say! This does look rather alarming as meals do go! I would much rather partake in a variety of baked beans and or fried eggs and or fish and chips! Raw fish, you say? You are really insistent aren’t you! Cripes! In Japanese: 私は言う!食事は行くのですか、これはかなり驚くべき見てん!私はむしろベイクドビーンズと、目玉焼き卵、またはフィッシュアンドチップスの様々な分かち合うだろう!生の魚は、あなたが言う?あなたは本当にしつこいです。することはありません!おやすみ!

Re-translation:  I say! What is the go meal, this is pretty amazing to see N! I will share a variety of fish and chips and baked beans, or fried eggs instead! Raw fish, you say? You are really persistent. Does not have to! Good night! Conclusion: Yeah, this one really doesn’t work too well. If you said that to anyone in Japan (or Nippon, rather, as Japan is an exonym) they would presume you as an insane maniac!

4. Good day, sir! Could you possibly direct me to the nearest food outlet for I need to stuff my stupid face with crisps and or a very large vat of butter. Should you fail to supply me with this information I shall weep like a spoilt brat. In Russian: Добрый день, сэр! Можете ли вы направить меня в ближайший выход для пищи мне нужно, чтобы наполнить мои глупые лица с чипсами и или очень большой чан с маслом. Если вы не в состоянии предоставить мне эту информацию я буду плакать, как избалованный ребенок.

Re-translation: Good day, sir! Can you direct me to the nearest exit for the food I need to fill my stupid face with chips and either a very large vat of oil. If you are not able to give me this information I’ll be crying like a spoiled child. In conclusion: I like this translation. Especially, “I’ll be crying like a spoiled child.” Quite excellent. Indeed!

Yes, we know this has no link at all to the piece. But, you know, we liked the picture!

5. Hello there. can you suggest to me where I might find an artist to create a collection of drawings of myself infront of famous landmarks in this humid country of yours? I wish to have these images of myself with sunburn to display in my living room. What ho. In Thai: สวัสดีมี คุณสามารถแนะนำให้ฉันที่ฉันอาจพบศิลปินในการสร้างคอลเลกชันของภาพวาดของตัวเอง infront ของสถานที่สำคัญที่มีชื่อเสียงในประเทศร้อนชื้นนี้ของคุณ? ฉันต้องการที่จะมีภาพเหล่านี้ของตัวเองด้วยยาแก้ผิวไหม้ที่จะแสดงในห้องนั่งเล่นของฉัน อะไรโฮ.

Re-translation: Hi, can you advise me where I might find an artist to create a collection of portraits of himself infront of a landmark, famous for its tropical climate, do you? I want to have a picture of yourself with this sunburn to show in my living room near you. In conclusion: This one is positively psychotic and would probably get you locked away in some sordid prison. Best avoid using this one.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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