We recently had broadband fitted into the Professional Moron office in order to speed up our internet connection, allowing us to get our lovely Nintendo Wii online, get unlimited internet usage, and numerous other perks. We did, however, have a bit of bother setting the whole thing up. How much “of a bit”, you ask? Okay, so “a bit” is vague. It was an issue, but now it is sorted, so you don’t need to show us your sympathy. We shan’t need any professional counselling, nor shall we need any unprofessional counselling. We will, however, offer our darling readers the ultimate guide in how to fix stuff in your flat. Never fear, Professional Moron is here!
All sorts of stuff can break when you’re out and about in life. For instance, should you break a nail you can go to the nail shop and purchase a new set of nails. What type of nails are we on about, though? The ones that hold stuff up, or the ones which vegetate on the end of our fingers? It was Einstein who opined, “A well kept set of nails is a well kept set of fingers, and this is analogous to one’s hands, arms, torso etc. If one does not maintain ones nails, we shall all but have a hysterical screaming fit.” And lo, thus the berserker woman who cries when she breaks a nail. Is that a sweeping generalisation? We don’t know. But we did once see a woman cry when she broke a nail. It was pretty funny.
Anyway, we’re getting sidetracked. How does one go about fixing stuff? We’ve thrown into Google a random question to ask as a means of answering every possible “it’s broken, what do I do?” question ever – “How do I fix my shed roof?” It’s an age old problem many old age, fully retired pensioners endure and it is one quite easily solved. All you need to do to mend your broken shed roof is to mix a lot of cement and jam the cement into the broken bits on the roof (with some jam, too, if you feel like it). Presto hey! You’re shed roof is fixed again. Indeed, cement can pretty much fix anything ever. Just think about that for a second or two. Incredible, isn’t it? You know, if cement didn’t exist we’d probably all be just left living in holes in the ground. Or in caves, like our distant ancestors.
So what should you do if you haven’t got any cement about? This is a complex issue and so we gave it some serious thought. The most obvious solution became apparent after no time at all; aspic. This is a gelatin based thing where you stuff ingredients into the aspic to make it stay still as, you know, eggs and stuff move around quite a bit. This is why aspic is so great for it keeps stuff in place so it doesn’t clear off anywhere. Professional Moron intends to open up an aspic construction company called Aspic ‘R’ Us. We will build buildings (duh) out of aspic, do repairs in aspic, and even provide catering services (in aspic only) for weddings etc. All hail aspic!