Excuses excuses. We all use them. Whether it’s to explain why we aren’t wearing any trousers at work, or explaining to our friends why we couldn’t make it to their ingrowing toenail operation at the hospital. We all know ingrowing toenails are bad but, boy, we’d rather not waste seventeen hours in a hospital providing sympathy when we could be sitting at home stuffing our stupid faces with cheese.
It is clear excuses, or white lies if you must, are useful to help save people’s feelings. They’re also particularly useful for your line of employment as, let’s face it, you’re going to need some good ones every now and then. A simple, “The car wouldn’t start!” just doesn’t cut it in the cut and thrust world of contemporary life. Your boss would say; “There’s a recession on, you know! If your car doesn’t work you should burn it to the floor and get a new one!” And you’d be like, “But, sire, I can’t afford it as my coffers don’t replicate moolah in the manner one would quite heartily desire!” Due to this we have devised for our loyal, and seditious, readers a list of excellent excuses that not even your Boss could fail to be touched so deeply by! Read on, Macduff!
1. “The ghost of Lenin told me to be late!” – You can’t really argue with Vladimir Ilyich Lenin’s reasoning, can you? And if you want to pretend you were three minutes late for work due to his intervention then why not use this excuse! So why would he risk contacting YOU of all people? That’s the true beauty of this excuse as it could be literally about anything; baked beans, cheese, spinach, communism, a warning about Tom Cruise blocking your driveway, Brad Pitt’s beard obstructing your blind spot as you drive. As we mentioned before (you did read that bit, right??!?) it can be ANYTHING (except a warning about capitalist polemics)!!!!
2. “Tom Cruise was obstructing my driveway.” – Yes, Hollywood Super Star Extraordinaire Tom Cruise was blocking YOUR driveway! “Honest, I couldn’t reverse out cos Cruise was there! He was just lying there making a lingering fog horn noise!” We can’t see this failing as, what with his support of Scientology, and his berserk performance on the Oprah Winfrey show, who would bet against the Cruise doing a bit of sun bathing on your drive? Please note: If this does actually happen DO NOT reverse or accelerate over Mr. Cruise.
3. “Michael Schumacher demanded I buy him a jam donut !”- Michael Schumacher, Formula One driver extraordinaire for those of you who donut know, is still a Formula One driver at 43. Despite this, and his global fame and 7 World Championships, we should imagine he’s in need of a bit of extra moolah. On the basis of this we should imagine it wouldn’t harm anyone for The Mighty One to ask your average citizen for some loose change to buy a jam donut. I should imagine any employer with a sense of rational understanding could grasp this concept.
4. “The Queen charged me with writing her Christmas Speech. I obliged her majesty.” – We’ve all been there, tearing out of the house/flat/bungalow/igloo last minute with your fly undone, faces pouring blood from shaving wounds and/or assault from distressed child and/or harangued by volatile wife/husband. You have to go through all that and then, to top it all like the icing on the cake turning out to be a Nuclear Warhead, there’s The Queen of England standing on the lawn lost, drunk, and needing a Christmas Speech STAT! You’ve got no choice but to hastily write something up, but you will be 30 minutes late for work! For England, James?
5. “I was in a coma after listening to Lady Gaga’s latest single.” Why not use the insipid “music” act that is the World’s Greatest Narcissist – Lady Gaga! You might as well blame her unique brand of pop (“unique” in that Madonna had already covered it over twenty years ago) for putting you in a coma due to its mindcrushing, soul destroying awfulness. Heck, our very own Mr. Wapojif tried to use this one on me but I was wise to his antics. However, our office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster DID hear a Lady Gage song and refused to emerge from her bed/hut thing for 24 hours, eventually being coaxed out with a milk chocolate drop.