A basic guide to suing everyone!

The law is a complex beast. Here citizens must keep off the grass.

It seems like, in this modern era of recession and endless difficulties, the best way to make a few extra quid is to sue someone. You can sue anyone for anything. Not being born 20 years earlier to avoid the current recession, if your friend buys you the Sour Skittles instead of the regular kind after you REALLY stressed the point, if you lose a nail on the bus, and the list goes on and on. Negligence is often the cause of many of these incidents, such as tripping over a dodgy pavement the local council could have fixed ages ago. “Well, why not?” seems to be the overall attitude. Few people can just kick back and say, “Oh well, that grape I slipped on in the local supermarket was just an unfortunate incident, mere chance, and my sprained ankle will heal.” There are people in the world with nothing, but the “I deserve my moolah!” attitude prevails. Materialism, haterialism, cheeserism.

Anyway, our very own Mr. Wapojif (that’s me) once had a brief stint as an assistant to a barrister in London (that’s England, y’all) and got the hang of the lexicon and other such stuff fairly quickly. Here I impart my knowledge to you all free of charge for the three (3) most common sue-a-thons. Hurrah!

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 At Work

Boris Johnson takes safety very seriously.

The working environment is a fraught one – even if you’re in an office sitting down for 95% of your day, those voyages to the kitchen for a brew can lead to life altering incidents such as a trip on your high-hells or laces. Sprained ankles, bruised heads, and black eyes are a common sight around the Professional Moron office. We’re just one of millions of offices afflicted. There’s also the nasty habit, due to the rush from the sheer pressure of working life, of accidentally pouring a litre of scalding hot water fresh from the kettle all over your arm. This can happen at the best and worst of times and an ear piercing scream is a regular occurrence in offices all across the world. These accidents, of course, are your employees fault. Here is my advice for any of the above incidents should they reach court:

If  you take a tumble at work you will want to get a few extra quid from your bosses. You take them to court but, it turns out, you were really drunk. This is contributory negligence, so the best bet at this point is to plead insanity and hope for the best.

 At the supermarket

Britain’s deadliest injury inducer.

You can injure yourself at just about any moment in the supermarket. You could; walk into those automatic doors, have a crate of wine fall on your head, pull a muscle reaching up high for a top shelf, pass out in dismay when glimpsing The Sun’s latest headline in the newstand, become nauseous when entering a building containing so many tabloids, grow psychotic when viewing someone purchasing The Daily Mirror, slip on a grape, or get attacked by a crab in the fish section. Should any of these things occur you can take the supermarket to court. Here is a typical example:

If you slip on a grape in your local supermarket you can indeed sue if there is prolonged damage such as crushing agoraphobia and a phobia of grapes (sitophobia – a general aversion of food). However, many people “try it on”. Should the CCTV footage observe you veering over to the grape, keeping an eye on it to make sure you slip, and then spectacularly smash to the floor you really won’t have much of a case. Contempt of court could follow, in which case you must plead insanity.

After Eating Fast Food and Smoking

Aesthetically pleasing food like this will make you obese.

Much has been made of the ability to sue companies you have previously enjoyed to a ridiculous extent, such as suing McDonalds for making you morbidly obese. Now, obviously, your average individual needs an IQ in excess of 250 to understand the concept that McDonalds’ food isn’t good for you. I mean, we all know eating fried, salted, greasy chips all day is really, really good for you. And we all know the addictive qualities of tobacco is a renowned curer of many psychotic disorders and a promoter of general well-being. As you might have guessed this isn’t the case, so you may want to take some firms to court. Should you do this, here is the Professional Moron guide:

The big firms will draft in a vast array of top whack lawyers so you have lost before the judge is even sitting down on his/her chair. The best bet is to plead insanity and hope for the best.

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