The Movie Remakes Hollywood Should Do Next!

Big Arnie loves remakes!

Catchy title, non? Well, anyway, like that matters! LOL! etc. You know, we rented this thing called The Thing from Lovefilm. Last year we watched The Thing (the 1982 version) and very much enjoyed its icky sense of sci-fi weirdness. When we heard Hollywood were “doing” a remake our initial reaction was; “Hmmmmm…. well that’s going to be brilliant!” Please note, that was sarcasm. And why? For remakes are, pretty much without exception, utterly dire. And why, exactly? All that extra money and stuff should make for a better movie going experience. Perhaps that’s where it all goes wrong; “You know what? We can fling some fancy CGI in there and that will make for a wicked ace new film! Awesommmmme! Now let’s blow half the $200 million budget on getting Angelina Jolie and Zooey Deschanel to “act” instead of someone with a modicum of talent!”

One thing that has recently confused us is Deschanel, who is branded as “quirky” in the same way Lady Gaga is apparently “eccentric”. The latter is an airheaded narcissist with no talent, the former plays the same “kooky” role in everything she’s been in to date, but as she’s cute, has a frizzy hairdo and does the doe eyed wacky expression all of a sudden she’s “quirky”. It makes us PSYCHOTICALLY MAD, DAMMIT!!!!!

Anyway, back on topic! What remakes would we actually like to see? Read on, Macduff!

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Jaws

“Hello.”

Well, why not? Once everything else has been remade in the next few years then it should be time for Jaws! We have a great idea for this script; Brad Pitt plays every character. Including the shark. The plot will be exactly the same as the 1975 classic, except of course there’s going to be a hell of a lot more Brad Pitt in this version.

Avatar

“O’reet!?”

Yes, it isn’t very old but we think a remake would be awesome! Obviously for this version Arnold Schwazenegger should be made the lead instead of Sam Worthington, and this time Zooey Deschanel plays Big Arnie’s love interest Neytiri. Other cameos will include; Sting, Bob Geldof, Tony Blair, director James Cameron as a imbecilic local, and Lady Gaga.

The Thing

“Hi there!”

“Hold on, Professional Moron, you mean remake it again?” Yes, they remade it last year. We put it to you that another remake would be just as good. Obviously Leonardo DiCaprio would play The Thing, whilst the ensemble A List Celebrity cast of Big Arnie, Zooey Deschanel, Bob Geldof, Sting, Lady Gaga, and Keith Chegwin fight it out for survival whilst they get picked off one by one. In this version Christian Bale’s Batman, George Clooney’s Batman, Val Kilmer’s Batman, Adam West’s Batman, Lewis G. Wilson’s Batman, Robert Lowrey’s Batman, and Michael Keaton’s Batman will all have cameos at the same time in a particularly surreal scene. They will all dance to Cher Lloyd’s Swagger Jagger before being blown to smithereens by The Thing. Ouch!!!!!

King Kong

“Sup?”

“Er, they remade it in 2005.” Yes, and that’s 7 years ago! Hell, let’s remake the thing again! Obviously Big Arnie will be in this film playing the Damsel in Distress. Zooey Deschanel will provide the monkey movements for Kong (it was Andy Serkis who did it in the ’05 one – fact of the day). There will be a different ending this time, a happy Hollywood one where they all go for a meal at McDonalds at the end and Kong does a big burp. Cue lots of jolly laughter and then fade to blake. ROLL CREDITS!

Watership Down

Bird brain Kehaar!

This film totally freaked us out when we were but wee nippers. I (Mr. Wapojif) watched this around aged 9, and now aged 27 one can’t help but feel the psychological trauma of seeing fluffy bunny rabbits being ripped to shreds by a berserk dog, or hearing an extrovert seagul effing and blinding away. So why not put another generation of kids through it all? As a remake would work wonders on the spoilt brats of today; put a bit of good old rigid terror into their McDonalds ridden arteries! So, the cast! Leonardo DiCaprio will voice all the rabbits, Brad Pitt will be the foul profane Kehaar, and Zooey Deschanel (seeing as she’s quirky) will do the barking of those mental dogs.

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