Professional Moron’s New Movie Monsters

Eat at your peril!

Right, so yesterday we said that The Thing was a remake. Whilst it is a remake of sorts (it’s pretty much exactly the same as the 1982 classic – but with a different cast), the plot actually makes it a prequel. So we messed that up like a man who wanted to make a Baked Beans Cake to win The Best Cake Of The Year Award 2012 would mess up. By coming in dead last. And then being reported to the police for his obscene creation.

The Thing offered some amusing moments, some creepy moments, some moments, and all in all we’d give it a rating (we rate things by comparing them to the excellence of vegetables) of a box of mushrooms that are a week past their sell by date. They’re still edible but they’ve gone a bit weird, and in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “If I eat these will I die of scuvy?” even though you know scurvy is a vitamin C deficiency and has nothing to do with some manky mushrooms. Still, you just don’t want to risk it, but you’ve got nothing else to eat anyway so you decide to cook them up and eat them. That’s what The Thing of 2011 is like.

One of the problems we had was the thing itself which was just a bit silly at times. So, what could the Thing have actually been to make us all wet ourselves in terror? Read on……… IF YOU DARE!

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A Herd of Dazed Looking Donkeys

Do not trust this donkey.

Laconic donkeys never get their terror factor put across in movies. Sure, wise-but-world-weary Benjamin from George Orwell’s Animal Farm sure knew a thing or two, but deep down he was a cold blooded KILLER! Now, imagine a herd of these braying lunatics charging you down with genetically modified speed and, all of a sudden, Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh doesn’t seem so lovable. Enough to strike terror into the heart of even the most bad ass rapper – 50 Cent. Which leads nicely to….

50 Cent

Dunce hat can also be used as an ice cream cone.

Talentless dunce 50 Cent is a rapper from America. Now rap, as we all know, isn’t a form of music and only exists to cater for those with issues with macho pride. We can think of nothing more horrifying than being forced to listen to 50 Cent’s malodorous grunting over the course of a 90 minute movie. We’d certainly have to flee the cinema in a blind panic within the first half an hour. Egads, just think of the children!

A Solitary Goat

Terror personified.

The sheer terror of having a lone goat roaming around an isolated Antactic base would drive even the most brave souls towards despair. Imagine, for instance, if the goat ate all the fresh vegetables! Then what would everyone do? The psychological terror would grip the cast and everyone would become obsessed with the vegetable parlour; 24/7 heavily armed guards would watch over the potatoes, cabbage, radish, and turnips. Meanwhile the spinach would be safely stored in a safe which would be buried 300 miles away in the snowy so as to ensure its safety. Meantime the goat would roam… roam… roam…

Mulder From The X-Files

“The truth is out there, y’all! Hahahahahaaaaaa!!!!”

Having David Duchovny arbitrarily stalking around your premises quipping stuff about aliens and 50ft cabbages would be pretty scary. In The Thing it would become more an endurance contest, in regard to patience rather than staying alive. Whoever snaps first and lamps Mulder one for his unending monologues about aliens with massive foreheads would then be up for prosecution. At this point the film would become a courtroom drama about a condemned man’s right to a fair trial, interspersed with Mulder’s dialogue about how aliens once abducted him and forced cabbage up his nostrils.

A Bar Of Invisble Soap

Do not eat the soap.

The invisible soap would continue disappearing. Can you imagine the arguments that would rage whenever anyone wanted a shower? Before long we should imagine very violent arguments would be erupting, and severe injuries would be commonplace as characters drop one by one as they slip in the shower on the enigmatic soap bar. The horror!

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