History’s Best Philosophers Examined

A man within a man’s head? Distubring.

‘Twas Arnold Schwarzenegger who once said, “If it bleeds, we can kill it.” And he has a point. If something bleeds, ‘twill not be of shan’t amount of thyme before the owner of the blood realises the necessity of it. Hark! Too late, though, and cessation of existence ‘twould be upon thee. Now Big Arnie isn’t prone to proffering up gems of quotable genius (he is quotable in his films, just not in a, “Wow, in a thousand years time his work will allow us to reach Jupiter and live there in harmony!”). However, there have been plenty of philosopher sorts over the ages. From prehistory, through antiquity, and other stuff like the Middle Ages and yadda yadda blah. “History”, basically. It’s important, so pay attention to it!

Today we look at some of the best philosophers from history. Usually it’s male sorts who get quoted but, as we’re very liberal here at Professional Moron, we’ve thrown in a few stupid women so as not to appear sexist. Nay, we jest. Let’s face it, your average man is lazy, fat, and stupid, quite why women haven’t taken over the world is beyond us. Even office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster shows more intellect than the Professional Moron staff (she’s female, you see). Anyway, thyme to rejoice in our collection of musingness. Wicked!

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Socrates – “False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.” Effectively this means, “tell the truth, FFS!” Otherwise you’ll become infected with, presumably, bubonic plague and/or scurvy. Old Socrates has this largely spot on, although sometimes lying is kind of useful. For instance, if someone wants to borrow your house/flat to set it on fire, you can say, “I’m sorry, I need it as I’m going to be blowing it to smithereens.” Of course you have to explain why it hasn’t been blown up at a later date but, you know, that’s when you can lie again! “Oh, it was brought back to life by the ghost of Lenin.” Sorted.

Iris Murdoch – “People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us.” Indeed, Iris, much the same way the people from a planet without Chavs must be mad with joy at not having to be around such mindless idiots all the thyme.

Diogenes – “I know nothing, except the fact of my ignorance.” Well then you do know something, don’t you! Damn hypocrite. We should point out Diogenes was from ancient Greece and he gave up his esteemed position in the court of Alexander the Great to go and live in a box with no possessions. Fun.

Diogenes was often too lazy to bother standing.

Baruch Spinoza – “All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare.” Spinoza didn’t live in an age of fast food and readymade meals. Had he been around long enough to see the day Pot Noodles hit the shelves he would of said something like, “OMG!  These aren’t rare, they’re everywhere! I had better eat until I gain twelve stone!” And, lo, Spinoza the Great Thinker of many aphorisms would have become Spinoza the Morbidly Obese.

Eleanor Roosevelt – “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Well Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif once had a dream where a Tyrannosaurus Rex was invading his university campus, and the head of the T. Rex was Brad Pitt’s handsome mug. We’re not really sure we want this wandering about in reality.

Aristotle – “Hope is a waking dream.” Not if it’s the Brad Pitt T. Rex nightmare it isn’t, Ari.

Plato – “Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.” and, “he was a wise man who invented beer.” Was Plato his era’s version of Keith Moon?

Diogenes in his barrel. Such a larf!

Ayn Rand – “Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” Well you could always buy a chauffeur, Ayn. Haven’t you seen Driving Miss Daisy? And, whilst we’re on the subject of this quote, even if you have 77 trillion pounds you can’t walk on the surface of the Sun. And why? As it’s not possible! So, money can’t take you wherever you wish.

Vincent Van Gogh – “There is no such thing as an ugly woman.” Yes, he was a painter, but he was totally spot on here. Ladies, give yourself a pat on the back.

Katherine Heigl – “Isn’t it so weird the day you wake up and you’re just going with the flow? And you just suddenly are a mom.” Er, unless you’ve seen the film where Big Arnie was pregnant then we really don’t understand this one. Is she implying all men have an inner mother instinct? Is she suggesting that “the flow” is how people have babies? Either way we really don’t know, but Mr. Wapjif looks forward to the day he suddenly realises he is a mother.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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