The Ultimate Christmas Tree Guide

A Christmas tree covered in blue lights.

It’s that time of year when Christmas Trees go up. Nearly, anyway. In the Professional Moron office we’re thinking about it day and night and have come up with a mega plan!

Buying the Right Christmas Tree

First Mr. Wapojif will head into someone’s nearby garden (at around 4am) and hack down a spare tree. He will then, with help from office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster, drag it back to the office with the use of strength, skill, determination, knowledge, and understanding.

A mighty combination. The tree, thusly hoisted, will be positioned in a corner and decorated thusly; Marmite splattered tinsel, Marmite covered baubles, and spray on foam cream (to look like snow). The big issue with all of this is just what should be stuff onto the top of the Christmas Tree? We’ll find something. Yo ho ho!

Traditional dictates tradition at Christmas time. At Professional Moron we don’t really adhere to any specific social norms and, thusly, we have come up with the definitive disparate Christmas tree decorating extravaganza special! Oh, lordy, will the madness ever end?

Egads, never you crazy damn fool! Read on for tips on how to have the best Christmas tree ever, and for the full ingredients list! Yes, the ingredients list! You have been warned.

Not in a “we’re going to punch you one” way, but a, “By jove, prepare onself!” sort of indication. Thing. We’re just going to get on with it.


Give your tree the rustic, muddy look of the wild by smearing Marmite all over it (note, don’t use Bovril). You could argue, “Well, why not just use actual mud?” but, you see, this necessitates a trip outside. For maximum comfort just stay indoors, head to your pantry, and voila!

A super wicked authentic looking tree. Plus if there’s a sudden nuclear war during the Christmas period you’ll be able to eat the tree to stay well fed!

That is, of course, if it doesn’t genetically mutate into a 20ft tall murderous Christmas Tree Monster. Always possible, but hopefully not probable.


You’re going to want your tree to really stand out and leave a lasting impression on visitors; to do this the unholy stench of rotting fish and crustaceans (nothing to do with Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama) should leave an indelible impression on anyone’s memory. Indeed.

We can heartily recommend haddock and mussels on a rope, as you can drape them all over the tree in an attractive manner. Awesome! You’re on your way to a super wicked Crimbo tree!


Replace baubles with tinned spam. Hang from free limbs (if this is an issue due to weight, take the spam out of the tin and smear it all over the tree), or you could adorn the top of the tree with this most marvellous of food products. Quite.

Incidentally, have you ever noticed Spam reversed is Maps? Pretty awesome, eh? There is a theory that should you eat spam whilst studying a map, the entire fabric of reality will implode.

Vitriolic Bunting

There’s nothing quite like a bit of profane, prejudiced language to get Christmas time conversation going!

As we all know Christmas can be incredibly dreary, with topics usually consisting of why the sprouts are so dry, why you should have made Turducken instead of plain old Turkey, the lumps in the gravy, and Grandad s drunk again.

How dull! So messages such as, “We ***ING Well Absolutely Detest You All, But Feel Obliged To Invite Your As You’re Family!” along with numerous racist, xenophobic, and Nazi sympathising slurs. As aforementioned – all in the name of a good old debate. If it works really well no one will bother you next year!

Depressing Reminders Of Real Life

Make sure reality stays but a step away by daubing your glorious Christmas tree with horrific reminders of contemporary life.

You’ll need to find a chav for this, and he/she will have to be unconscious for the Christmas period.

You’ll need lots of sellotape to attach the chav to the tree, but once he/she is up there will be the constant, and crushing, reminder of the existence of imbecility!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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