The Best Christmas Present Guide Ever: Part #1

The child friendly, non-disturbing Gift Monster.

It’s that thyme of year again when you need to think of, like, some proper ace, like, presents for your, like, friends, peers, family, siblings, and pets. By ‘eck, it’s a difficult and stressful thyme of the year and far removed from the It’s a Wonderful Life suicide bid sort of la-de-dah world Hollywood portrays. However, Christmas is a magical thyme of drunken revelry, colossal overeating, stupidity, anger, fury, and joy! We’re hear two celebrate this marvellous thyme, and so, thusly, after all this confusing preamble we shall gift to you our knowledge on the very best presents to buy for anyone and everyone. Wicked! And, obviously, it will be Father Christmas who delivers all of this stuff. Santa, the insane, obese drunk that he is, only works one day a year whilst his slaves make all the gifts year round. It’s snot right, is it?

Of course there is an art to this. Professional Moron’s very own Mr. Wapojif is a Black belt in Knowing What Presents To Get, and he has a PhD in shopping. Outstanding, sir! So, buckle up, tighten the belt on your trousers, and head on into the realm of the Christmas Gift Guide. Hurrah!

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An Empty Box

Lovely! Except… it’s EMPTY! Hahahahaha!

A dose of reality and a lesson in life will do your little one some use at Christmas. Gifting them with an empty box will destroy their dreams in visceral, visual fashion! Build up the gift beforehand to make the discovery of NOTHING even more devastating and psychologically traumatic; breaking out into laughter at the emotional distress will also win you some brownie points with the evil folk of the world!

A Vandalised Shed

How charmingly quaint!

Sheds are ever useful things and great fun to muck about it. You can climb on its roof, set it on fire, blow it up, rebuild it out of Mars Bars – truly the shed is a versatile and brilliant present. This one pictured above has already been vandalised, but at least this means it will be at a discount price! And nothing beats a bargain – except free stuff.

Other benefits to sheds; you can keep stuff in them. “Like what?!?!?!”, you bellow. Well, for a start, old Christmas Trees! And, of course, a huge collection of spades, shovels, wheel barrows, and giraffes.

Sludge

Mud is sludge, FYI.

Infinitely fascinating, cheap, and you can get it from wherever you want! The sewer? You got it! A field? You betcha! The great thing about sludge is you can get some awesome fun out of the stuff by pelting it at old people. This, of course, isn’t technically legal, but then neither is drinking olive oil and yet we’ve all done it! Straight from the jar. Tasty.

A Cement Couch

Cripes!

Cement’s great! Really, we love it. And couches are pretty damn awesome – just what would we do without them? Nothing, that’s what. We’d all have piles from sitting on the floor too much. However, if this physical state is what you are endeavouring to achieve then this truly amazong cement couch is amazong indeed! Due to its extreme weight it’s not really one to move about but, you know, neither’s Mount Everest and no one’s complaining about its location, are they?

A Blob Fish

So ugly it’s cute!

We all love pets, so why not purchase someone a lovely Blob Fish? Granted they’re not the most aesthetically pleasing sea beasts but, then, so what? Just look at them! They’re ace! These things like a lot of water so you’ll probably need to keep it in your bath tub, which will of course mean taking baths with the slightly frightening looking creature. As far as we’re aware they are (largely) docile creatures and will do you no harm. Indeed.

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