Right, we thought we’d break away from the whole Christmas/New Year stuff you’d probably expect as we felt it was about time we had a go at one of our least favourite animals.

Now there is a stereotypical brand of “Horsey Women” out there. You know the sort – those women who are utterly infatuated with horses; we have no real desire (possibly) to offend these people, but we would like to point out that dogs, cats, and hamsters are much cooler.

For, you see, here at Professional Moron we’ve always found horses to be dangerous, capricious, panic stricken, and not elegant beasts. “HOW CAN YOU SAY INELGANT!?” you may chirrup. Simple – wait until you watch one going to the toilet. It’s not a pretty scene. Ho ho ho no.

Now the equestrian art form goes back thousands of years (indeed) but since then horses have been made obsolete by a more likeable bunch of animals; llamas, elephants, camels, goats, and even really large pigs.

So today we’re going to point out why horses annoy us to such an extent. Are we just being ridiculous, have we hit a raw nerve of yours, or are we speaking the words of wisdom you would normally expect from Professional Moron? Well hell hell, read on good sir/madam!

Our Totally Irrational Problems With Horses

Remember that saying? This one—don’t look a git horse in the mouth. Ultimately, that’s why we’re here today.

So we’ve already noted horses have this habit of panicking and bolting off somewhere—worse still is the habit of those powerful back lacks which lash out violently on pure free will.

Why is this so? We’ve come up with a list below to ascertain this most perplexing mystery.

Sugar Lump Demands

They often think they are about to receive a sugar lump off a nearby human and, consequently, are always on the alert to go surging forward in order to achieve the sugary goodness before other horses.

Humans, eh? We bring about such wanton destruction on the world!

Sporadic Hoof Kicking

They have absolutely no control over their thoughts—everything is down to those two insane back legs.

Whenever the devious gits want to go anywhere they can BOLT, although this, unfortunately, causes the horse to sear forward at an inappropriate speed. Thusly they terrify one at all. How dare they!

Horses and Pomposity

Quite. Now you could argue the case for these legged beasts. Horses have been showcased through history like a sort of panicky modern cyborg who shift us from A to B (even in this age of vehicle things).

You can think back to ancient Rome and how folk like Julius C would swoon about the place perched atop of a massive stallion horse. In modern thymes Enzo Ferrari took the figure of a prancing horse to be the emblem for the world famous Ferrari brand.

So, as you can see, horses are well regarded. Not here in the Professional Moron office, though. And why? Can you really trust an animal with such a ridiculous noise emission? “Neigh!” Of course you can’t. Enough said.